Guest post: Captain's Log

Captain’s log: What happens when Mom is left alone with three boys under six for five days. 

Three boys, one mom, five days, no dad. There are many strong humans who are used to this sort of thing and roll with the punches. For me, one soft with the presence of consistent reinforcements, it seemed like an eternity; every second brought a crumbling of my mental stature. 

While alone, I documented my condition through a series of logs shared via social media. The following is a transcript and photo-log of how I survived using the my life raft of sarcasm and my 72 hour kit of cynicism. 

Captain's log, Day 3 sans reinforcements: 

Captain can’t remember the last she changed her underwear. Found a band aid in hair this morning, not sure where it came from. Natives are growing restless, their access to sugar and screens is increasing dramatically.

Captain survives nights by watching too many episodes of Hoarders and eating unspeakable amounts of ice cream. 

Captain fears an uprising is imminent, and requests, if she perishes, to please bury her near a quiet bathroom so at least in the afterlife Captain can pee in peace.

Captain's log, day 4 sans reinforcements:

Shower managed, but at the expense of a box of Cheerios, the contents of which still remains ground into captain's new, expensive, and impulsively purchased wool area rug. 

Natives have learned 2 new swears, claiming captain yelled them at various natives throughout the day. Captain denies such claims. 

Morale is looking up as captain's extended family has sent pizza to the ship and crew and natives are now dining in peace. Captain’s motivation to cook meals is all but gone due to crushing fatigue and growing indifference to the ‘five servings of fruits and veggies a day’ rule.

Captain still seeks a quiet place to pee, as solitary urination has not yet been achieved.

Captain’s log, Day 5, help arrives:

Reinforcements have arrived, and not a moment too soon as natives had grown deaf to Captain's voice and anarchy was building. Her commands now make natives laugh and throw food. 

Order has been restored, but reinforcements may be sleeping on couch after complaining about free massage received on voyage.

Also, if reinforcements do not stop talking about luxury of 5-hour-long solo flight, Captain may be forced to feed natives diet coke and leave the house right before bedtime. 

Captain has, at last, peed alone.

 

"Cooking dinner with a toddler underfoot is always a blast." from Instagram @robynn.garfield

"Cooking dinner with a toddler underfoot is always a blast." from Instagram @robynn.garfield

Robynn Garfield has worked as a professional writer and journalist for 10 years. Her employment adventures have included KSL.com out of Salt Lake City, freelance work for NPR and CNN, and a fruit salad of writing projects featured in published anthologies, blogs (), and angry letters to the editor. 

Robynn currently stays at home with her three young boys. She staves off insanity by reading crap on the Internet and waiting longingly by the front door every night for her husband to come home.

23 Signs Your Older Child Isn't QUITE Grown Up Yet

By Robyn Welling

From the time they're old enough to proudly call themselves a "big kid," children can't wait to be all grown up. That's why we play "store" and "house" and dress-up as young kids. It's why we claim we can't wait to move out and get a place of our own during our teen years. It's why we act like we know EVERYTHING, starting at about age 13 when we actually know nothing, until about age 28 — when we still don't know anything, but at least we realize what idiots we are.

If you have an older kid strutting around the house acting all like, You can't tell me what to do, I'm practically an ADULT! here are a few signs that, whether they feel like they're all grown up or not, they're so, so not all grown up.

23 SIGNS YOUR OLDER CHILD ISN'T QUITE ALL GROWN UP YET

  1. They rely on you to unclog the toilet.

  2. You still pay their cell phone bill.

  3. You have to remind them to change their underwear.

  4. Which you know they haven't been changing because you still do their laundry.

  5. They've never experienced the joy of comparing auto insurance quotes.

  6. They keep their money in a piggy bank.

  7. You schedule all their doctor appointments.

  8. They ask you to scratch their back at bedtime.

  9. Um, they have a bedtime.

  10. You're their alarm clock.

  11. They brush their teeth daily, but only because you tell them to.

  12. There's never anything practical on their Christmas list.

  13. They assume "401k" is the name of some boy band.

  14. Their description of adulthood often involves ordering pizza as often as they want.

  15. They need a ride to the mall.

  16. Or they drove themselves to the mall... in the car they borrowed from you.

  17. And they still actually enjoy driving, because the fun hasn't been sucked out of it yet by being everyone's on-call chauffeur for 20+ years NOT THAT WE'RE SICK OF IT OR ANYTHING.

  18. You can still fit the right number of candles on their birthday cake.

  19. They've never voluntarily eaten a cereal with the word "bran" in the name.

  20. They'll sit there and sniffle until you tell them to go blow their nose, like Kleenex is a new invention they keep forgetting about.

  21. You can remember the last time you blew on their food to cool it off.

  22. They mow the grass for money — unlike adults who do it, you know, because the grass is long.

  23. They still want to be an adult. Actual adults already know it's way overrated.

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Robyn Welling is a freelance writer and humorist at Hollow Tree Ventures, where she isn't afraid to embarrass herself—and frequently does. She's Associate Editor at Scary Mommy, and a freelance writer, editor and graphic designer for sites like NickMom, Mommy Shorts, 22 Words and The Huffington Post. She loves sarcasm, wine, beer, other bottled items, long walks on the beach, and her husband. Oh, and her five kids are okay, too. Her goals include becoming independently wealthy, followed by world domination and getting her children to clean their rooms. Until then, she'll just fold laundry and write about the shortcuts she takes on her journey to becoming a somewhat passable wife, mother, and human being; if history is any guide, she'll miss the mark entirely. You can find her avoiding responsibility on Facebook, Twitter,Instagram and Pinterest.