Mom Friends

When I became a mother, I remember my own mother telling me her own grown daughters were her closest friends. She said, "I don't have time to make other friends anymore."

I, of course, thought that was kind of sad. I had friends that weren't family. I had my close friends from high school and colleges, still. Some that I saw often and some that I kept in touch with over Facebook and email. I was making friends in church and in my neighborhood.

Of course, I also counted my mom and sisters as friends. Of course.

As a young mother, there are many hours where even though you are surrounded by people--the little ones you are responsible for growing into big ones--you can feel oh-so-very-much alone. The kind of loneliness that makes you weep when you finally see another adult who smiles at you. It's hard to explain if you haven't experienced it.

For the first twelve years of being a mother, I stayed at home. I was with my kids all day long and worked when they were asleep. My husband worked long hours and was generous with my need to leave the house alone as soon as he came through the door. We were both exhausted... but grateful.

Of course we were grateful. Of course.

But that doesn't change the fact that we were just plain tired.

I craved friendships. Other women and mothers to talk about our children and our level of exhaustion. Maybe just to smile and laugh and say "me too, girl. Me too."

In the last few decades, there have been many women who have filled that loneliness for me. As I have moved multiple times and changed states, cities, neighborhoods, church groups, school districts, there have been many wonderful friends to make those adjustments easier and give some variety to a sometimes monotonous life.

When I started to work outside of the home again, I noticed that it was more difficult to maintain those fellow-mother friendships. Being able to drop everything and head to the park wasn't an option anymore. And I didn't have any kids to take to the park as they were all in school. I've been at the park in the middle of the day and wondered about the lone adults, just watching everyone (my kids!) play. Yeah, I wasn't going to just head to the park without my kids.

Even a spontaneous lunch became more difficult. I often had a meeting or a lunch with a new or potential client... "but let's meet for lunch really soon."

I've had to learn to schedule! Me! Schedule!

"I can meet for lunch on Tuesday at 1 or Friday at 11. Do either of those work for you?"

And once my kids get home from school, I bust home to help with homework, music practicing, driving my kids to activities, spending some quality time. Oh yeah, and the family wants dinner, so...!

Sometimes I leave at night to spend some time with friends. But then I feel guilty. I should be with my husband. Or my kids. Or finally reading that book I need to know for work. Or, I don't know... maybe exercise???

It's weird, seeing friendships move and change without me physically moving. Friends going to concerts together. Friends traveling the world together. Friends having girls night together. Without me. Not because I couldn't, but because I haven't keep those relationships strong enough to be on the list.

Listen, I get it. I tell this shiz to my kids all the time: "You get what you give." "The more you put in, the more you'll like what you get out." "You can't expect a tree to grow without watering it." Etc etc and Zzzzzzz.

I have new work friends and relationships. I have a few friends who I am only growing closer to as we have to work harder to spend time together and serve each other. I have made a few new friends because of the new connections I have made working and not spending those hours alone at the park.

It's made me think a lot about the length of a friendship. It isn't always forever. It isn't always for a decade. Sometimes it's for a year. Or for an event. Sometimes a friendship is strongest on Facebook and Instagram. That doesn't lessen the relationship. It's just a different kind of friendship to add to your life. 

Some of the friendships I have made online have been some of the realest I have ever had. There is such support and love. I have met a few of these friends in real life, and we embrace and chat as though we had been friends for decades.

Of course there are all kinds of friendships. Of course.

As I am getting older, though, I see my mom's comment differently. I serve my kids often. I tuck them in, I hold them when they are sad, I celebrate with them when they are happy. I take care of them when they are sick, I feed them, I work so they can have clothes, I help with their homework. It is true that you become closest to those whom you serve... and who you allow to serve you. My kids serve me with kisses and hugs and holding my hand.

They are becoming my best friends. The kind of friends I will have even if I move. Even if Instagram dies tomorrow. Even if they travel the world with other friends. Just like my mother is one of my best friends.

You're right, Mom. Of course you are. Of course.

a

Holiday Gift List 2016, MOMS!!

So, maybe you will have to suggest your kids or significant other read this post for ideas to get you for the holidays this year. Or, if you're like me, you can buy your own gifts, wrap them, and act surprised when you open it up! Those are the best gifts I've ever received/given.

Who knows what you love to wear more than you do? I love everything from The StockPlace, so I would suggest my husband or kids just go and shop out of my online shopping cart or get me a gift card. I can always find something from The StockPlace--they have great prices and clothes you don't easily find on other clothing websites.

Remind the woman in your life every day how important she is with a wall quote from LatterDayHome. I still remember all the cross-stitched wall art my mom had hung in our home when I was a child. Don't just put up anything on your walls, put up something that has meaning and words you want to remember... and your kids to remember. LatterDayHome has beautiful quotes with the option to have it framed and ready to hang!

I love to give a little sweet in all my gifts, and I love receiving a little treat even more. I always say that nothing tastes as good as chocolate you didn't buy yourself. For the Sweet makes the most delicious cookies and macarons I have ever had. When we tried their lemon cookies, my son tried shoving them in his mouth so he could eat them all before we could get more bites. That is no exaggeration, either. For the Sweet is really that good. And she can send her cookies throughout the United States.

Maybe a bit sweeter than cookies is my love for jewelry. I love little necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. My mother says you can always buy a lady purses and jewelry, for they will always fit! I purchased a Made By Mary choker a few months ago and I love how dainty but sturdy it is. Plus, it's just rad. Customize a necklace for yourself or your mother from so many darling choices at Made by Mary. Hand-stamped bars and discs that will show your style and your personality! What would you have hand-stamped on your necklace? I think I'd choose "JK, yo!" Maybe.

More clothes? Yes, always! SonnetJames makes dresses that moms can play in. How genius is that? No worrying about bra straps showing or being too short when you bend down to play with your kids. And the great part about dresses is that all you have to choose when you get dressed is ONE thing and everyone thinks you're all dressed up. Hip hip hooray for dresses. And an extra HIP for the cozy and cool look for SonnetJames dresses!

When you get pregnant, amazing things happen to your hair. You get thicker, more beautiful hair because it's not falling out as quickly. And something about the hormones makes it all shiny, too! Then you have the baby and it all falls out. And then you have toddlers and they pull it out. And then you have kids in school and you start pulling out your hair. What's a girl to do? Laced Hair Extensions are amazing because you can clip them in yourself, when you feel you need a little extra. They are beautiful hair extensions, too. I am amazed at how many women use hair extensions to fill in their lackluster hair after pregnancy. When I tried Laced Hair, I understood.

What's cuter than pajamas for kids on Christmas? Mom in her own cute pajamas, ready to take photos with the kids. I tend to wear leggings to bed or old, ratty sweatpants. I need some new cool pajamas that I wouldn't be embarrassed to have my picture taken in for all posterity to see. LazyOnes have funny pajama sets for the whole family, so everyone can look presentable Christmas morning. And every evening. I love the Flapjacks from LazyOnes.

Inevitably, there will be a time in the winter where you will want to get in a hot tub or take a last-minute vacation to somewhere tropical (I want to! Can I go?). Be ready for any swimsuit occasion with the coolest thing to ever happen to swimwear: the DoliRay Romper. Put it on over your swimsuit or buy one of their very flattering and comfortable swimsuits and jump in, play, wear it in and outside of the water. I get compliments every time I wear my DoliRay Romper, probably because I'm so confident when I wear it.

Sometimes you just need to stay inside all day long and don't want to wear those ratty sweats or even the cute pajamas. Remember how our mothers used to wear house dresses? Well, what if I told you that lounge dresses are back, but now they are stylish, modern, and just as practical? LuckyLove makes a lounge dress you wouldn't mind leaving the house in. With pockets to grab all the items around the house, or to keep your smartphone close at hand... I love anything with pockets! LuckyLove is lounge wear that is classy!

So, what are you going to get yourself for the Holidays? Any specific shop or item you have your eye on?

AnnaM

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New Mom Monday, Thirteen

If you have any kids, or know anyone with kids, or know of anyone with kids, then I think you saw this coming after my last post: I didn't really “sleep” last week. Ha!

But while my failures may be many, there is one thing I am doing right. You see, I care about my child’s future. If my daughter is going to have a good life as a wealthy socialite, she has to get good grades so she can get into a good school, start a nonprofit or cure cancer or whatever these teens are doing these days, so she can get a rich husband and take care of me. She will take me to a spa day and say my pores are looking a little lower-middle class. She loves me, it's great.

That's why I only purchase toys that stimulate her highly malleable brain.

It is of the utmost importance that I seize every opportunity to educate, to enlighten, to inspire.

Play time is a time to nurture her growing mind.

Only the best for my Winifred.

Libbie Henrie is a new mother and really smart gal. You should believe everything she writes, especially the super sarcastic parts. She lives in Arizona with her husband and newborn baby. You can read more of her musings on her blog and follow her baby wearing adventures on Instagram @sweetcheeksbabywearing

New Mom Monday Eleven, Who's Cool

If I were a betting woman--which I almost became that one time my sister Tula and I pooled our change together to get a Powerball ticket, and almost almost won--I'd bet that you know someone young and full of life who posted some bit of 90’s pop culture on Facebook while lamenting Ugh, I'm so old. You guys I'm literally so. Old. And I'm betting you rolled your eyes so far back into your head that they got stuck and now all you see are your own thoughts which started a weird Inception thing in your brain and your Ophthalmologist wrote you a prescription to avoid the Internet for three years.

It is the unfortunate fact that everyone my age is constantly in one of the four phases of a life crisis (scrolling through Instagram, depression, social anxiety, consuming junk food appropriated by the gourmet hipster community), but that's only because everyone else our age or younger has a better job, takes better trips, dresses in better clothes, curates better Pins, etc. And while I don't personally let myself get lost in the kind of comparison spiral that ends in me consuming boxes of fancy donuts or vegan snack cakes, since I already do that on Tuesdays, I often do share the sentiment that if I haven't done anything important yet then maybe I never will. And that does give me that whiny, icky I'm getting old feeling.

You know who is younger than I am? All the teenagers who are inventing things and curing diseases. Like all the ladies on The Bachelor. And the little bundle of joy that wakes up at 2 am and immediately rolls over onto all fours to play--nothing ages you faster and reminds you of your decrepitude more than an energetic baby, my friends. I’d like to think I'm turning into a regal matriarch character, but I think we have more of a Goonies villain situation going on here.

I used to be fun! I used to be cute! I used to get my hair cut at appropriate and consistent time intervals!

Right?

I’m asking because I don't remember.

Women support women

I am a feminist.

I feel really lucky to be living in a time when the word feminist doesn't automatically mean anti-male nor does it mean anti-feminine. To some, it may still mean one or both of these things. But for the most part, when I claim feminism, most people yawn and say, "ok" while they think "what else you got?"

Two years ago I wrote a blog post staking my flag in the feminist world and while I still agree with most of what I wrote, I have become a lot less sure of what others think and more confident in what I think. Funny how that works: you get older, you learn more, you claim to know less.

On International Women's Day, this is what I believe: Women are divine. Men are divine. Individuals are divine. There is no one gender greater nor one lesser. I am grateful for the feminine qualities that I have and for those parts of me that may be deemed "masculine" just as I am grateful for both characteristics in my husband.

There is no one right way to be a woman. I take that back. The right way to be a woman is to BE A WOMAN. To be confident that you are worthy and valuable. In the end, I hope my daughter feels worthy and declares her worth. I hope my sons feel worthy and proclaim their worth.

Might I leave you with this feminist thought that I posted over on my @thingsaretheworst Instagram account today?

To celebrate women today, I plan on telling all the women I see how incredible and valuable they are. Maybe smile and knowingly wink (although I can't wink for beans). I hope today that you know YOUR worth. We can be UNSTOPPABLE.

a

Am I Mother Gothel?

Spoiler Alert: In the movie Tangled, Rapunzel's "mother" is actually not her real mother. She is a witch. I am so sorry to have told you anything that you didn't already know. Mother Gothel is a sarcastic, needy witch who keeps Rapunzel locked up in her tower, safe from all of the evil of the world (except from the evil of her "mother").

Ahem.

Every single time that movie has been played at our home (which I would say is more than a dozen, but less than a thousand), I have laughed at Mother Gothel. She is so funny and oddly likable. But horrible, of course. And yet understandable, in some ways. But evil, too. Super manipulative and controlling... but did I mention she is funny?

See here:

When she pulled that line while looking in the mirror, I legit laughed out loud. I know that's the point. But her song about "Mother Knows Best" is also pretty much my theme song. "Sure, go ahead and don't listen to me, but don't be surprised when YOU are wrong and I am right!" haha. ha. ha?

My favorite line of Mother Gothel's, which I feel I must have said to my kids before is, "I'm just teasing; you're adorable; I love you, darling."

I am a sarcastic mother (don't gasp. you've read my captions!). I have been known to tease my kids when they are being dramatic. And when my teasing goes too far, I quickly add, "I'm just kidding; I love you; you're my favorite!" 

I do not, on the other hand, brush my children's hair. So there is that part which makes me less like Mother Gothel. I don't brush their hair for power nor for less tangles. I mean, I've done it on occasion, but with three boys and a teenage daughter, there's not a lot of hair brushing sessions happening at our house. I also don't lock them in their rooms nor do I make them stay inside... always. I'm pretty much the opposite of a helicopter parent, even when it negatively affects my kids. Oh well, right?

While I know I am not a witch (don't tell my kids), I find it interesting that even without taking an online quiz, I can ascertain that the Disney character I am most like IS a witch. A sarcastic, all-knowing, mildly protective, fast-talking witch. And I am mostly okay with that. Halloween costume, perhaps.

How about you? This isn't a quiz, I am so sorry (no I am not), but which movie or story character are you most like as a parent?

Anna

All In School, Let's Go (one)

I'm home alone. For the first time in fourteen years, I am all alone during the school hours.

My youngest turned five last December and immediately said, "When do I start school? You said I would start school when I turned five. I'm five now. When do I go to school?" I had decided that instead of sending him to preschool, we would do a daily "Mommy school" kind of preschool and then find neighborhood friends to play with for socialization. I let him know that he would be able to go to school like his older siblings when he was five. Not "turned" five, but explain that to a barely five year old.

Mommy school worked for us. He learned a lot and we had a great year exploring and playing. It was all that my mother heart needed to finish out my WAHM years. 

And now he is in kindergarten. All day, I might add. I walk him (and his brothers) to school at 8:10 in the morning, I'm back home at 8:30, say goodbye to my husband, and then...

silence.

Silence and choices.

Oh, the choices!

Do I spend the day writing? Cleaning? Organizing? Finding new work opportunities? Developing a new hobby or talent? Working on getting that elusive (to me) hot body? 

I'm not necessarily asking for advice. Because I am getting it. A lot of it. And I am already filling my own head with guilt and pressure. Suffice it to say that this feels like a completely new chapter in my motherhood. I am excited to find what it holds and what I am supposed to do with it. I am slightly worried that I have to do more than I am prepared for, but that remains to be seen. I hope my own journey helps someone out there find their own. Journey! ha, what is this, the Bachelor(ette/ in Paradise)? Amazing. 

Anything you learned in a new chapter of parenting?

Anna

Hospital Room Mother's Day

I rarely feel guilt as a mother. I’m confident that I am not totally screwing up in helping these four humans become self-sufficient members of society. But when Mother’s Day rolls around, all of the guilt I could have felt during the rest of the year hits me in one gigantic ball of “you’re not good enough” guilt. I also feel guilt for not loving Mother’s Day when there are so many women who would like to be mothers, miss their mothers, or miss the children who made them mothers. It’s a complicated day. 

Today, though, I sit in a hospital room waiting for my child to return from surgery. It’s nothing too serious; he broke his femur last year and they want to take the plate and 12 screws out so his bone can continue to grow and reduce his risk of breakage at the growth plates. But its a weird thing, sitting in a hospital room doing nothing but writing on your laptop while your child is being cut open and worked on. 

I can hear the cries of children in neighboring rooms. Some cries sound awfully young and others sound like they are in awful pain. I wonder what they’re here for, and my heart aches for them, but also for their parents. Watching your kids go through pain (physical and emotional) is so much more difficult than going through your own pain. That’s what you cannot understand until you have had children. Until you have raised little human beings, you think that you know empathy, but it is so much heavier than you knew possible. 

When my son first broke his femur, I had just returned home from a long trip with the youth from my church and was unpacking WHILE trying to pack for our family summer vacation we were to be leaving for the next day. I heard cries coming from the backyard and when I saw him clutching his leg on the trampoline, I said the same thing that I had said every other time someone got hurt on the trampoline, “You’re fine. Just hop off and go chill out somewhere.” At this point, you might be thinking what a wonderful mother I am. Where is my Mother of the Year trophy?

It gets worse. 

He was still crying and clutching at his quad—he was not going to move on his own. So, I grabbed him and carried him over to a patio chair. Are you cringing yet? Yeah, I know. This is one of those “maybe you should feel more guilt on days other than Mother’s Day” moments. “Dude, you’re fine. Just breathe,” I said. He tries, but the deep breath sends a shock of pain to his leg.

My husband and I look at each other and know that we have to take him to the hospital. Every slight bump or turn in the car and my little boy lets out a small shriek. I am realizing the severity of the situation every minute that we get closer to the hospital. His cries are now sending little jabs into my mothering heart. After we are admitted to the ER (and I get the first few of many disapproving head shakes reserved for those who own a trampoline), my son lies on the hospital bed and lets out the most pathetic sounds. I try to give him kisses and hold his hand, but he pleads that I don’t touch him. “Can someone give him something for the pain?” I ask anyone who walks by our room. 

I have turned into the Mama Bear. Just one hour before I was questioning his pain level and now I am demanding to get some professional attention to my poor baby. He’s a little guy and fairly quiet, so to hear him crying in such agony was wrenching my heart. Finally we are told that he has broken his femur and will be admitted. The break will require surgery. Because he had eaten dinner shortly before jumping on the trampoline, they wouldn’t be able to begin his surgery for hours, which turned into the following morning. All evening, they gave him doses of medicine, but he continued to feel a lot of discomfort. As soon as he would start drifting to sleep, his muscle would spasm and he would shriek at the pain. This went on all night. He went into surgery in the morning and the surgeon told us that it was significantly worse than the single fracture they had thought. He had three separate fractures going every which way on his femur, and she could not say enough about how much pain he must have felt. 

My small eight-year-old boy got smaller in the following months as he wasn’t able to play, swim, or participate in most of the summer activities. The first two weeks of the third grade, he pushed around a walker and wore a big brace that we called his “bionic leg.” He smiled when people brought him treats, but silent tears rolled down his face when we went to family and neighborhood parties. 

The subsequent doctor and physical therapy visits were taxing, but mostly because we saw so many children with issues MUCH more difficult than my son’s. My heart broke for these kids and their parents, grateful for the patient nurses and doctors, for the hospital and all those who contributed to it. Life can be sincerely difficult, and a messy room, a broken tv, or a ruined tube of lipstick all seem wonderful and fun when you put them on the scale of human experience. 

Today the anesthesiologist asked my son what flavor of sleep gas he wanted. After considering it for a few seconds, he asked if they had “glazed donut” flavor. The doctors and nurses all laughed and mused about such a great idea for a flavor of medicine. One of the residents, looking over the medical chart, said, “It’s so nice to have a healthy kid,” mostly to himself, but I couldn’t agree more. 

It is SO nice to have a healthy kid. Being a parent can be frustrating and trying and exhausting, but it is the best thing I have ever done. Mind you, I have done a lot of amazing and fantastic things in my life. I have travelled, worked, created, taught, accomplished, and continue to do these things. But having a kid (four of them!) has by far been the best thing I have chosen to do. I understand that some people do not wish to have children and I don’t think anyone SHOULD have kids if they don’t want them (plug for the gift of ADOPTION). But if they don’t want to have children because they don’t want anyone accidentally breaking the television, waking them up early Saturday morning or spilling cereal on the carpet, then they are MISSING OUT! 

Mother’s Day is a tricky day, to be sure, but somehow it’s got to stop being about comparing what kind of mother you are, were, or want to be and what kind of mother you had. It’s got to stop being about the brunch and what presents you give and get. This year, Mother’s Day for me is right now, sitting in this empty hospital room, realizing the gratitude I have for the chance at being a mother. It is thinking about the hugs my children give me that sincerely feel like they are filled with healing powers. It is reminiscing about my mother sitting in her chair with her needlepoint project and grateful that she made the choice to have me. 

My kids may never say cheesy sentiments about me being their angel mother (I’m looking at you, Abraham Lincoln) or send me to a spa while they clean the house and make my favorite dessert. That’s okay by me. I’m just glad I get to be an imperfect mother of imperfect kids in an imperfect life that I love. 

Happy Mother’s Day, imperfect people.