What’s with the slamming? This is how I know that I am getting old: I notice that everyone is slamming everything all the slam time.
Our cars are no longer giant jalopies that need our force to get those doors shut. They shut pretty easily by their own design, we just need to nudge them a bit. Same goes for the little compartments in our cars—the console, the glovebox, and the little cupholders that fold away when not in use. I promise, they are meant to open and close with very little effort. You don’t need to put your weight into closing them.
The front door does not need to be slammed. "Shut the front door" is not just an idiom said to be humorous; it's also something that one can easily do, especially to keep the house free of flies and the temperature comfortable. The back door can close pretty well, too, without extra pressure. I live in a home that is nearly a century old and the doors still close without needing to be slammed.
Oh, and the bedroom doors! Don’t even shut them, kids. Unless you need a moment of privacy while you change clothes or if you are wrapping a surprise present to your mother. Otherwise, keep them open and I am telling you, if you slam your bedroom door, you will hear from me. Loudly. Until you pay for a house and all of the doors in it, you are not allowed to slam the doors. And frankly, “your” room is totally on loan. It’s my room. It’s your father’s room. It is a great space where you can have some privacy, hold your stuff, and sleep, but you don’t get carte blanche in this borrowed space. It’s not really yours, so show a little gratitude that we gave you a space and keep it clean-ish, respect the door rules, and do not roll your eyes when I walk in.
Don’t slam the refrigerator door, either. It’s an amazing machine, the refrigerator. It keeps our food COLD. Does that even impress you as much as it impresses me? There is a giant box in our home that keeps our food at a temperature (two, sometimes three separate temperatures) so we can avoid spoilage and keep even more food at the ready to eat. It is freaking amazing. Don’t slam the amazing doors that keep so much deliciousness chilled.
Same goes for the oven, the microwave, the dishwasher, the washer and the dryer. These are incredible machines that will be hellacious to replace if broken. Trust me when I say that you do not want to see your mother react to a broken appliance door. It’s not going to be pretty. Respect the remarkable machinery.
Stop slamming each other into the ground, on the couch, on my bed… all this wrestling is getting out of hand. I know that there is snow on the ground outside, so when I say, “Take it outside” that means you would need to put on all of your snow clothes and you don’t wanna. I get it. But please get that I don’t wanna deal with the broken home that comes when two of you get together for some slammer time. MC Slammer has left the building. Just Stop! (no slammer time)
I have an idea: go read a book! That's the only kind of slamming I don't mind—the slamming shut of a book once finished. I know how that feels good to do, whether you loved it or hated it or wish it never had ended. Slamming a good book shut is so rewarding... and relatively quiet. Sigh, if you must, or cry, if it suits you. Just go read and keep the doors open!