Mom Costume in a Jiffy

You've been working on your kids' costumes for a few weeks, maybe even a month or more. You bought all of the candy (and maybe a little more after some of the candy mysteriously disappeared) to give to the trick or treaters that come to your door. You decorated the inside of your home. The outside of your house looks fun and just spooky enough to keep the ghouls away. You've read the Halloween stories, picked up pumpkins, maybe even carved some, too. You've done a ton to get ready for Halloween.

But, wait! What about you? You love Halloween and don't want this year go by without dressing up. What are you going to do?

I have your costume for the year. Also one of my best ideas yet: AN ESCAPE VEHICLE. Every year it's the same, your kids are excited to fill their bags full of candy and you are excited to take them. Fueled by energy and a few dips in the recently-procured candies, you have made it ten blocks from home. AND THEN, your kids lose it. Complete meltdown. Their legs quit working, their costume is too hot/too cold, the last house was too scary... Halloween, as far as your children are concerned, is over. Where is your magic wand to zap you all back home? Drats, you forgot to bring it. So you carry your crying, exhausted child home, while their candy is spilling all over the sidewalks and your wig is falling off.

Escape vehicle, friends. Complete with blanket, maybe water bottles, and of course your skeleton. My escape vehicle this year is a Madsen Cycle. This thing is killer. I can't believe I have lived my life this long without one. But any bike with a basket or trailer could work, too. Or a golf cart? Escape vehicle. The two words that will save your Halloween this year and every year. 

I don't know why I was sporting the double chin so hard in this video. Luckily I am not TOO concerned. But still, let's meet in real life and you can see I'm not this ridiculous. Or am I?

Here's wishing you a Happy Halloween, to all mothers, fathers, children, grandparents, and all the rest of ya!


Guest post: Captain's Log

Captain’s log: What happens when Mom is left alone with three boys under six for five days. 

Three boys, one mom, five days, no dad. There are many strong humans who are used to this sort of thing and roll with the punches. For me, one soft with the presence of consistent reinforcements, it seemed like an eternity; every second brought a crumbling of my mental stature. 

While alone, I documented my condition through a series of logs shared via social media. The following is a transcript and photo-log of how I survived using the my life raft of sarcasm and my 72 hour kit of cynicism. 

Captain's log, Day 3 sans reinforcements: 

Captain can’t remember the last she changed her underwear. Found a band aid in hair this morning, not sure where it came from. Natives are growing restless, their access to sugar and screens is increasing dramatically.

Captain survives nights by watching too many episodes of Hoarders and eating unspeakable amounts of ice cream. 

Captain fears an uprising is imminent, and requests, if she perishes, to please bury her near a quiet bathroom so at least in the afterlife Captain can pee in peace.

Captain's log, day 4 sans reinforcements:

Shower managed, but at the expense of a box of Cheerios, the contents of which still remains ground into captain's new, expensive, and impulsively purchased wool area rug. 

Natives have learned 2 new swears, claiming captain yelled them at various natives throughout the day. Captain denies such claims. 

Morale is looking up as captain's extended family has sent pizza to the ship and crew and natives are now dining in peace. Captain’s motivation to cook meals is all but gone due to crushing fatigue and growing indifference to the ‘five servings of fruits and veggies a day’ rule.

Captain still seeks a quiet place to pee, as solitary urination has not yet been achieved.

Captain’s log, Day 5, help arrives:

Reinforcements have arrived, and not a moment too soon as natives had grown deaf to Captain's voice and anarchy was building. Her commands now make natives laugh and throw food. 

Order has been restored, but reinforcements may be sleeping on couch after complaining about free massage received on voyage.

Also, if reinforcements do not stop talking about luxury of 5-hour-long solo flight, Captain may be forced to feed natives diet coke and leave the house right before bedtime. 

Captain has, at last, peed alone.


"Cooking dinner with a toddler underfoot is always a blast." from Instagram @robynn.garfield

"Cooking dinner with a toddler underfoot is always a blast." from Instagram @robynn.garfield

Robynn Garfield has worked as a professional writer and journalist for 10 years. Her employment adventures have included out of Salt Lake City, freelance work for NPR and CNN, and a fruit salad of writing projects featured in published anthologies, blogs (), and angry letters to the editor. 

Robynn currently stays at home with her three young boys. She staves off insanity by reading crap on the Internet and waiting longingly by the front door every night for her husband to come home.

Am I Mother Gothel?

Spoiler Alert: In the movie Tangled, Rapunzel's "mother" is actually not her real mother. She is a witch. I am so sorry to have told you anything that you didn't already know. Mother Gothel is a sarcastic, needy witch who keeps Rapunzel locked up in her tower, safe from all of the evil of the world (except from the evil of her "mother").


Every single time that movie has been played at our home (which I would say is more than a dozen, but less than a thousand), I have laughed at Mother Gothel. She is so funny and oddly likable. But horrible, of course. And yet understandable, in some ways. But evil, too. Super manipulative and controlling... but did I mention she is funny?

See here:

When she pulled that line while looking in the mirror, I legit laughed out loud. I know that's the point. But her song about "Mother Knows Best" is also pretty much my theme song. "Sure, go ahead and don't listen to me, but don't be surprised when YOU are wrong and I am right!" haha. ha. ha?

My favorite line of Mother Gothel's, which I feel I must have said to my kids before is, "I'm just teasing; you're adorable; I love you, darling."

I am a sarcastic mother (don't gasp. you've read my captions!). I have been known to tease my kids when they are being dramatic. And when my teasing goes too far, I quickly add, "I'm just kidding; I love you; you're my favorite!" 

I do not, on the other hand, brush my children's hair. So there is that part which makes me less like Mother Gothel. I don't brush their hair for power nor for less tangles. I mean, I've done it on occasion, but with three boys and a teenage daughter, there's not a lot of hair brushing sessions happening at our house. I also don't lock them in their rooms nor do I make them stay inside... always. I'm pretty much the opposite of a helicopter parent, even when it negatively affects my kids. Oh well, right?

While I know I am not a witch (don't tell my kids), I find it interesting that even without taking an online quiz, I can ascertain that the Disney character I am most like IS a witch. A sarcastic, all-knowing, mildly protective, fast-talking witch. And I am mostly okay with that. Halloween costume, perhaps.

How about you? This isn't a quiz, I am so sorry (no I am not), but which movie or story character are you most like as a parent?