I Don't Want My Kids to be Happy

If you ask most parents what they want most for their kids when they grow up, you will probably hear something like,
“I want my child to...

• get into a good college.”
• have a job that pays well and fulfills them.”
• get married.”
• have a family.”
• be a good member of society.”
• live close to me.”
• move out of the house.”

And ultimately, you will hear that parents want all of these things for their offspring when they are fully grown because, “I just want my child to be happy.”

I get it. Oh boy, do I get it.

You hold this tiny infant in your hands and they NEED you for everything.
For food.
For changing their diapers.
For warmth.
For burping.
For peek-a-boo marathons.

Then this baby grows into a toddler who NEEDS you for many of the same things, but also to learn how to walk, speak, sleep, play, apologize, laugh, and listen.

You know the rest. Your kid grows up and their NEED for you lessens for the physical stuff, but their NEED for the emotional stuff increases.
In understanding.
In patience.
In listening.
In refraining from screaming as you sit in the passenger seat when they are learning how to drive.

This once baby is turning into a real-life human adult and BOY HOWDY, you sure wish you did everything you could to prepare them for the “real world.” You pray that they won’t get mixed up in all of the crappy things that ruin lives. You hope they STAY AWAY from drugs.
From negative people.
From addictive substances.
From dating jerks.
From internet predators.
From vaping.
From using too much Axe body spray.

You just want them to have happy lives. You want these humans you have raised to take all that energy, time, money you have spent with them and turn it into something great. You want them to be happy.

What makes a human happy, though?

Are people who went to amazing universities and got killer jobs with the spouse and three kids the only happy ones on earth?

I don’t think so.

Because, if so, that sucks.

I know enough people to know that those things do not make one happy. That there are happy people who have all or some of those things and there are miserable people who have all of those things. I am sure that you, too, may know someone who has NONE of those things and is one of the kindest, happiest of humans you have met.

Back to my four kids. Yes, I have FOUR!

In some circles and societies, that is a crap-ton of little humans to raise. And in other circles, it’s a quaint little number. “Ahh, how cute that you only have four kids. I remember when my first ten kids were all married with at least three kids of their own and I had four children at home left to raise.”

Regardless, I look at all four of my kids and think, “Well, what can we do? How can I help you become the best version of ADULT YOU as possible?”

Here’s what I DO know after only sixteen years of this parenting gig:

Happy is not a thing.

Happiness is a byproduct and result of other things.
Of actions.
Of choices.
Of decisions.

If I want my kids to be happy, then they need MORE than a few random items that MY experiences have helped make me happy.

I went to college. It was great. I have gotten some good jobs and some bad jobs. I married a really rad man who luckily is more my best friend now than he was almost 19 years ago. I have four kids who are pretty freakin’ awesome.

Is that why I am happy? If my kids have the same things I have, will they then share my level of happiness?

Nah.

I don’t buy it.

I want my kids to become the greatest humans they can be. And not college nor jobs nor family can make them “happy.”

(So… what can? Get to the point, already, Anna)

There are FOUR things I want for my kids when they become adults to know, be, and do. They are, in no particular order:

1. Know how to work hard.

2. Be kind. To everyone.

3. Love and take care of their body.

4. Believe in something greater than them.

That’s it. Granted each one is a pretty big ask and hope in itself.

For example, if I teach my kids to work, they will expect to add to society and not be a taker. There is nothing less attractive than entitlement and laziness. If my kids can WORK, then they will know that if they apply themselves, they will be able to provide.

If they are kind, they will treat everyone with respect. They will not post photos of strangers on “People of Walmart” or laugh at someone who is mentally ill. They will give people the benefit of the doubt and not bully or demean others who are different (or better or worse or equal). Kind people know that when they serve others, that everyone wins/everyone feels happiness. Kindness is a practice and a habit.

I could go on and on (even more than I already have). Someday I may expound on the details of each of the four things I hope to help my children learn.

So I guess I do want them to be happy. Of course, I do. But I don’t wish any prescribed future for my kids. I have NO idea what life has in store for them. I do know that if I help prepare them with tools they can control, that there will be happiness.

And I hope they live close to me. That would definitely add to my happiness.

Giving is the New Thanks

I saw that written somewhere recently. Probably on Pinterest. But I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

Giving is the New Thanks.

"Say thank you to grandma for your new toy."

"What do you say when someone gives you a sticker, Tommy?"

"What are you thankful for, Lanie?"

It's great to count our blessings, and tell people we are grateful for who they are and what they do. Sure, it's great.

I am not suggesting we get rid of words of gratitude. Never.

But...

What if we DID put more emphasis into SHOWING gratitude and GIVING because we have been given much?

What if in addition to sitting around a table and telling people what we are thankful for, we also find something to DO? Someone to GIVE to and serve?

What if we shook someone's hand and gave them a hug (if they like hugs) in addition to saying "thanks"? Oh wait, I have a revolutionary idea: what if we WROTE IN A PHYSICAL CARD our gratitude and mailed it to someone?

I'm changing our plans for Thanksgiving (again) and finding ways to GIVE to show our THANKS. Things small and things bigger. It's not enough to just say that we are grateful.

a

Mom Friends

When I became a mother, I remember my own mother telling me her own grown daughters were her closest friends. She said, "I don't have time to make other friends anymore."

I, of course, thought that was kind of sad. I had friends that weren't family. I had my close friends from high school and colleges, still. Some that I saw often and some that I kept in touch with over Facebook and email. I was making friends in church and in my neighborhood.

Of course, I also counted my mom and sisters as friends. Of course.

As a young mother, there are many hours where even though you are surrounded by people--the little ones you are responsible for growing into big ones--you can feel oh-so-very-much alone. The kind of loneliness that makes you weep when you finally see another adult who smiles at you. It's hard to explain if you haven't experienced it.

For the first twelve years of being a mother, I stayed at home. I was with my kids all day long and worked when they were asleep. My husband worked long hours and was generous with my need to leave the house alone as soon as he came through the door. We were both exhausted... but grateful.

Of course we were grateful. Of course.

But that doesn't change the fact that we were just plain tired.

I craved friendships. Other women and mothers to talk about our children and our level of exhaustion. Maybe just to smile and laugh and say "me too, girl. Me too."

In the last few decades, there have been many women who have filled that loneliness for me. As I have moved multiple times and changed states, cities, neighborhoods, church groups, school districts, there have been many wonderful friends to make those adjustments easier and give some variety to a sometimes monotonous life.

When I started to work outside of the home again, I noticed that it was more difficult to maintain those fellow-mother friendships. Being able to drop everything and head to the park wasn't an option anymore. And I didn't have any kids to take to the park as they were all in school. I've been at the park in the middle of the day and wondered about the lone adults, just watching everyone (my kids!) play. Yeah, I wasn't going to just head to the park without my kids.

Even a spontaneous lunch became more difficult. I often had a meeting or a lunch with a new or potential client... "but let's meet for lunch really soon."

I've had to learn to schedule! Me! Schedule!

"I can meet for lunch on Tuesday at 1 or Friday at 11. Do either of those work for you?"

And once my kids get home from school, I bust home to help with homework, music practicing, driving my kids to activities, spending some quality time. Oh yeah, and the family wants dinner, so...!

Sometimes I leave at night to spend some time with friends. But then I feel guilty. I should be with my husband. Or my kids. Or finally reading that book I need to know for work. Or, I don't know... maybe exercise???

It's weird, seeing friendships move and change without me physically moving. Friends going to concerts together. Friends traveling the world together. Friends having girls night together. Without me. Not because I couldn't, but because I haven't keep those relationships strong enough to be on the list.

Listen, I get it. I tell this shiz to my kids all the time: "You get what you give." "The more you put in, the more you'll like what you get out." "You can't expect a tree to grow without watering it." Etc etc and Zzzzzzz.

I have new work friends and relationships. I have a few friends who I am only growing closer to as we have to work harder to spend time together and serve each other. I have made a few new friends because of the new connections I have made working and not spending those hours alone at the park.

It's made me think a lot about the length of a friendship. It isn't always forever. It isn't always for a decade. Sometimes it's for a year. Or for an event. Sometimes a friendship is strongest on Facebook and Instagram. That doesn't lessen the relationship. It's just a different kind of friendship to add to your life. 

Some of the friendships I have made online have been some of the realest I have ever had. There is such support and love. I have met a few of these friends in real life, and we embrace and chat as though we had been friends for decades.

Of course there are all kinds of friendships. Of course.

As I am getting older, though, I see my mom's comment differently. I serve my kids often. I tuck them in, I hold them when they are sad, I celebrate with them when they are happy. I take care of them when they are sick, I feed them, I work so they can have clothes, I help with their homework. It is true that you become closest to those whom you serve... and who you allow to serve you. My kids serve me with kisses and hugs and holding my hand.

They are becoming my best friends. The kind of friends I will have even if I move. Even if Instagram dies tomorrow. Even if they travel the world with other friends. Just like my mother is one of my best friends.

You're right, Mom. Of course you are. Of course.

a

Social Media Accounts for Kids. Are they ready?

“But MOOOOM, I will follow you! If you let me have an Instagram account, it will give you another follower.”

Hold on while I finish laughing.

This is one of the many reasons my 12 year-old has given me to convince me to let him have an Instagram account. Others included the old-favorite “everyone else has one” and “I can show the world my creativity.” Oddly, these didn’t convince me to go against Instagram’s Terms and Conditions that says very plainly that “You must be at least 13 years old to use the Service.”

This protects Instagram, but they are also following the guidelines set in the COPPA (Children's Online Privacy Protection Act), which prevents companies from collecting certain information from children under the age of 13.

In our home, my husband and I have decided to not give our children social media accounts until AFTER they are 13 years old. But that’s not the only guideline we have. We have a social media readiness list, of sorts, as well. Working in social media day in and day out has given me a special insight that I didn’t have four years ago when we let our then 11-year-old daughter get an Instagram account. As my son would say, “It’s so not fair.”

It’s not fair, I know. The way I see it, what isn’t fair is giving kids a loaded gun and hoping they don’t figure out how it can kill them. Sound harsh? For sure, it does. Any metaphor with “a loaded gun” is used for dramatic emphasis and this is no exception, except I need to somehow also make guns sound fun for adults even though I don’t have a gun and never want to own one and now I am just going on and on about guns, which has derailed my point completely.

We told my son that he had to prove that he was mature enough to start using a social media account. We also pointed out that throwing a fit and asking in front of friends in a flippant manner was, in fact, not a sign of maturity. Mind boggling, I know.

He also knows that he won’t necessarily get all or any account on his 13th birthday. That is just one prerequisite for social readiness. Here are some questions we have and items we discuss to gauge the maturity and readiness of our children:

Do you understand that anything you post or share is no longer yours once you do so?

This is my beef with Snapchat. If I could rule the world, I would make it so that parents can view all DMs sent on their child’s Snapchat account for 24 hours. Kids think that because their messages “disappear” after received that they can share things they wouldn’t otherwise feel comfortable sharing. But, I can name five people I know that had their private DMs on Snapchat “captured” when someone took a photo and saved the message. I have had many messages captured and I quickly realized that whatever I have written can be owned by someone else.

You might think that it is a private message, or only those few who follow your private account will be able to see the things you post, but once you put it out online, you have lost ownership. Anyone can screenshot, share, copy, and use your posts. That doesn’t put them in the right, but it is something kids need to realize can and will happen.

We do not post things that are inappropriate.
Would you feel comfortable if your grandparents saw it?

I have noticed a large trend in teens and preteens using adult jokes in their posting. I get it; they want to seem mature and “hip” (and by writing that very word, I have proved how “hip” I actually am. Oy!). On April 20, my daughter made a joke about 420 (a slang for marijuana) on one of her accounts. As soon as I saw it, I bombarded her with messages that said things like, “Uh no.” “This is not appropriate.” “We do not joke about this in our home.” “Take it down.”

Kids are trying to find their voice and their unique personality. Often they do this by mimicking popular comedians, personalities, and other social accounts. My favorite question to my kids is, “Would you feel comfortable if your grandparents saw this?” I usually point out a different grandparent, aunt, or uncle, and remind them that if their post would make them uncomfortable, then they shouldn’t post it. Sometimes it’s hard for kids to understand the hypothetical of future employers, but they can imagine what their grandparents would think.

Don’t use the search field. Don’t go exploring hashtags, either.

This one is the loaded gun. Do we even tempt our kids by informing them of how much trash is in the search and hashtag explorations? This is the #1 reason I don’t want my kids on social media until they are ready. We don’t take our kids to certain movies, we restrict television channels and shows, we put software on our computers to protect them, and then hand them a social media account that has a million worse things easily accessed in seconds.

My husband and I realize that raising our kids means preparing them to be kind, capable adults. Part of this raising is teaching them how to manage the excess that is presented to them. We have sugar in our home, because we want them to learn that knowing how to having a little is far more preferable than if they gorged on candy at a friend’s house. Same goes for social media. I can’t keep it away from them forever, eventually they need to learn how to manage and moderate how they use it. For now, we have told them of how damaging the searches can be and to refrain from using them at all.  

Never ever give any personal information to anyone… ever.

Old school, but duh. Just because we, as parents, have heard this over and over, does not mean our kids shouldn’t keep hearing it over and over, as well. Don’t allow strangers to follow you. Don’t engage in messages with people you don’t know. Even if they are your “age” or have similar friends. Nope.

Get a grip on LIKES and COMMENTS.

It’s so nice to be liked. I know many people who will delete a photo if it doesn’t get a certain number of likes. Which is, of course, crazy when you write it or read it, but it doesn’t feel crazy to them. It feels like what they put out to the world wasn’t validated and so they will take it back.

Hey kids and adults (and me): Post for YOU! Not for the comments. Not for the likes. Do it because you like it, because it expresses who you are. If you get one like or 1000, don’t sweat it. I’ve seen celebrity accounts that LITERALLY post a blank white post, sometimes multiple in a row or every other picture for some account aesthetic (by the way, that is the correct way to use literally). Those white posts will get hundreds of thousands of likes. Duh. Likes aren’t always a measure of good or value. Don’t worry about them.

Our family’s less social media-focused list of preparedness includes:

1. Do you keep your room clean?
2. Do you finish your homework before 8 pm every day?
3. Do you practice your instrument every day?
4. Are you playing outside every day?
5. Do you do your chores without complaining?
6. Can I leave you home alone for more than two hours?
7. Have you shown respect for curfews?
8. Are you kind to your teachers and other adults?

Basically, are you mature enough?

Because, guns!

AnnaM

I’d love to know your thoughts on social media accounts for kids. How do you decide that your child is ready to have an account?

3 Dale Carnegie Quotes and Car Seats

This morning I was in a funk. It’s Monday (for one thing), we had dealt with one child breaking down all night and morning, and it is crazy gloomy outside. This type of weather I usually love, but today it just seemed to add to my slump. So I threw up an OLD clip on the @kidsaretheworst Instagram of a young kid giving a bit of side-eye to a crying baby in the car seat next to him. Because the crying and my emotional side-eye just seemed to identify and I couldn’t think of anything funny to write.

Oh, Anna!

That’s what I say to myself after I do something without thinking about it much beforehand. Do you ever call out your own name in exasperation? Sure you do, right? Please?

When will I learn? I should NEVER post any kid ever in a car seat. Ever! Never ever. They could look appropriately fastened and have the chest clip at the right level and the straps all neat and straight and STILL it wouldn’t be right to somebody. That somebody will feel completely justified in calling me out and telling me to fix the straps. Even if it’s not my child, the video is crazy old, and that child is now driving and dating.

Listen, I get it. Car seat safety is a big deal. Babies have tragically died when they could have been saved. I am not saying that it’s not a really serious thing. It is. And I am grateful that I’m mostly out of that stage with my own kids, because MAN, people are ruthless when it comes to their own version of acceptable safety.

It’s a funny thing, the car seat social media patrol (I don’t capitalize the group, because as far as I am aware, there are no actual organizations that patrol social media for incorrect car seat buckling. But I wouldn’t be surprised, what with the fervor!). I rarely feel the concern and love that they so adamantly suggest is behind such chastising comments. Rather, I feel the heart-racing excitement that comes before judgement and unsolicited instruction. Let me repeat, these are not my kids. I did not buckle them in. I am merely trying to bring levity and acceptance to the sometimes stressful situation of raising kids. And every time I post a picture of a kid in a car seat, I mistakenly do the EXACT OPPOSITE.

People get so freaking fired up. They start instructing the other commenters on correct practices. But mostly they are instructing other fired-up commenters on what THEY think is the right way to buckle in a child and they cheer each other on (and sometimes even correct old practices—GASP!). If anyone DARE laugh off these sententious comments, they are accused of taking children’s lives lightly. How dare you try to laugh off a really hard day with a super old video of a kid IN A CAR SEAT!

I’m never going to convince anyone that their comments are unsuccessful. But maybe these comments are also way more divisive than anyone realizes. Maybe, just maybe, someone feels more exhausted and more judged and less likely to connect. Maybe some mother will feel even more drained on what is already shaping up to be a pretty crummy day. Maybe that mother is me, and maybe you don’t care. That’s cool. I don’t expect every day to be awesome and hilarious.

If you want to start an account that shows proper seat-buckling safety, I think you totally should. I legitimately think it could do a lot of good for a lot of people. If you want to tell people that you are “just trying to help” by speaking down to someone and treating them like idiots, well, that’s your prerogative. But, it kinda sucks. Chances are, it won’t make them change their mind.

I don’t know. Maybe by asking people to be more understanding, I have unwittingly condemned those who have reacted with passionate comments. And now I am the critical one.

Mondays will get you, amIright?!

AnnaM

Lazy Compliments and Pounds

The nicest neighbor in the world asked me a question last night. Poor guy was trying to be kind and I didn’t respond as kindly as I could have, because he just happened to ask a question about something I have been thinking a lot about for, oh, I don’t know, I guess the past 30 years.

He simply said, “I know all women love to hear this question, but have you lost weight?”

There is a good chance that you have one of two reactions to reading that question. One reaction might be: “That’s nice that he noticed something positive about you. Why would you not respond kindly back?” Which I understand this thought; really, I do.

Another reaction might be more like the one I had which was, “Do all women love to hear that question? Is weight lost always a measure of good? Should it always be considered something that is well-received?”

I believe that he was trying to tell me that IF I had been trying to reach a goal of weight loss, that it was noticed and he was happy for me. It’s not like there aren’t millions of magazine and website articles telling us why we should have weight loss as a goal and how to attain it. Add to that the billions of dollars made on the hopes of losing weight. Luckily we have social media to remind us that we can be accepted just as we are and that silly before-and-afters will not make you more popular or valuable. Oh wait, just kidding, I got that backwards. Want to have more followers and become an influencer? Lose weight, post bikini pics, and tell others how they can do it, too. Cha-CHING!

The weight loss comments didn’t begin years ago with nice neighbors. (Well, I don’t know, maybe they did. Maybe some neighboring caveman was like, “Oh, hey, I know it’s a famine around here and everyone is dying, but DANG GIRL, you are looking good with those bottom ribs exposed.”)

It won’t end with one woman’s words on your computer. (But, hey, maybe if you share it, then we can all become a bit more aware that we should try to change.)

I have had too many people I love become victims to the idea of THIN. The positive verbal reinforcements are enough to propel them to further weight loss. “You are getting so skinny!” “Have you lost weight?” “What diet are you on and how can I get on it?” Here’s the rub: none of those statements are in any way a compliment. Read them again. If you said them to a dog, are you saying that the dog is obedient, kind, or even handsome? Nope. Just stating that the size may have changed.

So why is a size change given so much value? How do we know that the person we are “complimenting” for changing size isn’t, in fact, ill, or terrified, or stressed, or hurting, or needing those words so badly that they will do unhealthy things to hear them?

I gained a lot of weight AFTER my fourth child. Yes, I gained weight when I was pregnant, but I gained more of it when I got mysteriously ill after he was born. For six years I have been trying to navigate a mysterious illness and added weight gain. For all intents and purposes, those who I live around now don't know what I look like at my "normal weight" since we moved here seven years ago while I was pregnant. To them, I am becoming a different person. To me, I am figuring things out and going back to a more normal-for-me size. Still not “thin enough” to make the big influencer bucks, probably never will be. Plus, I am in my late 30s, so that ship has sailed, anyway.

The hardest part about gaining weight for me was realizing how often people talk about others who have “lost weight and look good now” and that I hadn’t been the recipient of a physical compliment in quite a while. I realized how much I had craved it and felt validated by the way I looked—and more specifically, on an acceptable size. My sisters mentioned that they had similar feelings and I asked them to do me a favor: if I were to lose weight, please don’t compliment me.

Don’t compliment me for pounds.

You wouldn’t compliment me for gaining weight. Even if I really wanted to. You wouldn’t compliment me for growing my hair out, even though I have been trying to grow it out for four years. Well, now that you know that, you might compliment me for sticking to a hair-growing goal, but chances are you’d feel funny about it. Because it is silly. Who cares? It’s a personal decision and it doesn’t have any merit on who I am as a person or what I am trying to do as a mother, wife, professional, neighbor, or friend. It’s just FREAKING HAIR! But, it does look good, thanks for noticing. I really like my hairstylist. Let me know if you want her number.

Compliment me for being bold. Compliment me for trying something new. Compliment me for writing something that makes me anxious to share. Compliment me for my purple eyeliner, even, because at least that is something we can share and exchange and I know that you’re looking me in the eyes. Compliment my dinner or the fact that my basement is vacuumed because you know how much I hate vacuuming (and that I finally hired someone to help me do it). Compliment my shoes, because they are really cute and I can tell you where you can get some and now we have a shared experience. Compliment my kids… I can’t take credit, but it’s great to hear that you see them as positively as I see them.

Compliment ME, not my body. Not for pounds lost.

Here is what I hear when you say all the “compliments” associated with lost weight. “You didn’t look good before.” “I was worried that you were fat.” “I notice your fluctuations and won’t say anything when you gain it back, but I will notice.” “Your face looks better with less fat.” “You are becoming more valuable.”

The trouble is, we hate walking on eggshells, especially when we want to be kind and pay someone a compliment. I’m not suggesting we don’t give compliments, but let’s not be lazy with them. Give someone a good, old-fashioned compliment. Tell someone they are wickedly funny or have an engaging personality. Tell them that their hair reminds you of the sunset and their fingernails shine like justice (name that song!). Tell someone that their smile makes you want to smile and their laugh makes you want to laugh.

My son’s first-grade teacher told me just yesterday that anyone who has the opportunity to be my son’s friend is very lucky. Now THAT is a compliment. Worth the mysterious illness and weight gain for that kid and the person he is becoming to merit such a compliment.

Lazy compliments are centered on pounds. And they aren’t even REAL compliments. Don’t be lazy.

By the way, you are a really good reader. And you seem sincerely funny and kind, too!

AnnaM

Mom Costume in a Jiffy

You've been working on your kids' costumes for a few weeks, maybe even a month or more. You bought all of the candy (and maybe a little more after some of the candy mysteriously disappeared) to give to the trick or treaters that come to your door. You decorated the inside of your home. The outside of your house looks fun and just spooky enough to keep the ghouls away. You've read the Halloween stories, picked up pumpkins, maybe even carved some, too. You've done a ton to get ready for Halloween.

But, wait! What about you? You love Halloween and don't want this year go by without dressing up. What are you going to do?

I have your costume for the year. Also one of my best ideas yet: AN ESCAPE VEHICLE. Every year it's the same, your kids are excited to fill their bags full of candy and you are excited to take them. Fueled by energy and a few dips in the recently-procured candies, you have made it ten blocks from home. AND THEN, your kids lose it. Complete meltdown. Their legs quit working, their costume is too hot/too cold, the last house was too scary... Halloween, as far as your children are concerned, is over. Where is your magic wand to zap you all back home? Drats, you forgot to bring it. So you carry your crying, exhausted child home, while their candy is spilling all over the sidewalks and your wig is falling off.

Escape vehicle, friends. Complete with blanket, maybe water bottles, and of course your skeleton. My escape vehicle this year is a Madsen Cycle. This thing is killer. I can't believe I have lived my life this long without one. But any bike with a basket or trailer could work, too. Or a golf cart? Escape vehicle. The two words that will save your Halloween this year and every year. 

I don't know why I was sporting the double chin so hard in this video. Luckily I am not TOO concerned. But still, let's meet in real life and you can see I'm not this ridiculous. Or am I?

Here's wishing you a Happy Halloween, to all mothers, fathers, children, grandparents, and all the rest of ya!
 

Anna

Guest post: Captain's Log

Captain’s log: What happens when Mom is left alone with three boys under six for five days. 

Three boys, one mom, five days, no dad. There are many strong humans who are used to this sort of thing and roll with the punches. For me, one soft with the presence of consistent reinforcements, it seemed like an eternity; every second brought a crumbling of my mental stature. 

While alone, I documented my condition through a series of logs shared via social media. The following is a transcript and photo-log of how I survived using the my life raft of sarcasm and my 72 hour kit of cynicism. 

Captain's log, Day 3 sans reinforcements: 

Captain can’t remember the last she changed her underwear. Found a band aid in hair this morning, not sure where it came from. Natives are growing restless, their access to sugar and screens is increasing dramatically.

Captain survives nights by watching too many episodes of Hoarders and eating unspeakable amounts of ice cream. 

Captain fears an uprising is imminent, and requests, if she perishes, to please bury her near a quiet bathroom so at least in the afterlife Captain can pee in peace.

Captain's log, day 4 sans reinforcements:

Shower managed, but at the expense of a box of Cheerios, the contents of which still remains ground into captain's new, expensive, and impulsively purchased wool area rug. 

Natives have learned 2 new swears, claiming captain yelled them at various natives throughout the day. Captain denies such claims. 

Morale is looking up as captain's extended family has sent pizza to the ship and crew and natives are now dining in peace. Captain’s motivation to cook meals is all but gone due to crushing fatigue and growing indifference to the ‘five servings of fruits and veggies a day’ rule.

Captain still seeks a quiet place to pee, as solitary urination has not yet been achieved.

Captain’s log, Day 5, help arrives:

Reinforcements have arrived, and not a moment too soon as natives had grown deaf to Captain's voice and anarchy was building. Her commands now make natives laugh and throw food. 

Order has been restored, but reinforcements may be sleeping on couch after complaining about free massage received on voyage.

Also, if reinforcements do not stop talking about luxury of 5-hour-long solo flight, Captain may be forced to feed natives diet coke and leave the house right before bedtime. 

Captain has, at last, peed alone.

"Cooking dinner with a toddler underfoot is always a blast." from Instagram @robynn.garfield

Robynn Garfield has worked as a professional writer and journalist for 10 years. Her employment adventures have included KSL.com out of Salt Lake City, freelance work for NPR and CNN, and a fruit salad of writing projects featured in published anthologies, blogs (), and angry letters to the editor. 

Robynn currently stays at home with her three young boys. She staves off insanity by reading crap on the Internet and waiting longingly by the front door every night for her husband to come home.

Call your mother, college kids!

Have you seen this video of a mother sending a video message to her college-aged son? It's killing me. "I'm your mommy!" A little bit of sarcasm is always funny in my book.

Thanks, Ann McCarney for this gem!

When you have a kid...

Last week was our semi-annual teacher-parent-student conferences at the elementary school. I have all three of my boys at the same school right now, which is pretty convenient for a lot of reasons. First meeting was with my kindergartner and his teacher: he's meeting all expectations for a five year-old. Huzzah! All of our trips to Target and the dollar store during his preschool years paid off!

Next, my sixth grader and I went upstairs to meet with his teacher. Like every year before this one, he is testing high, turning in all of his work, helpful, and the easiest kid in the class (which, I'm not going to lie, presents its own kind of problems, like, how do I help this kid learn to fail and struggle? It's an honest-to-goodness issue, but not the discussion for this post).

Last meeting of our day was with my fourth grader. His teacher was running behind in her appointments and my son and I danced in the hallways and Snapchatted to pass the time (why did it feel like we were in trouble?). Finally, we sat down with his teacher and she looked exhausted as she moderately complimented my son on a few things she felt he was doing well. And then the storm rolled in and I was told for the first time that he was in "Resource" groups that took him from running outside with his class and into extra help with math and language arts (reading comprehension). I had no idea. Also, he's not listening, apparently. His scores are low. And all that jazz. 

Which just breaks my heart. This kid of mine has had two teachers out of five who have complimented him and seen that he is a good kid who tries. I have seen him turn completely apathetic when teachers have him feeling slow or dim. This, in turn, gets him even further behind and less excited to try. 

Let me be perfectly transparent: I am not worried about this kid's intellect. He is smart in ways that his brothers are not. He is quick-witted, has excellent hand-eye coordination, and can solve puzzles faster than anyone. I have no doubt that he will be a success in whatever he chooses to do as he grows up. He is a good kid and has one of the most tender hearts of anyone I have ever met.

BUT, I am concerned that he is not going to learn how to feel success in learning. I worry that his apathy will turn to disdain. I wonder if that even when I am telling him how proud I am that he is doing his homework and learning so much, that he is hearing seven hours every day his teacher's frustration and disappointment that he is not the kind of smart that the school system deems valuable. 

How do you help your kids find success in education EVEN WHEN they are being told at school that they are unsuccessful?

Tell us below or join the conversation on Facebook.

Love you and your kids. Thanks for doing YOUR best.

Anna

Am I Mother Gothel?

Spoiler Alert: In the movie Tangled, Rapunzel's "mother" is actually not her real mother. She is a witch. I am so sorry to have told you anything that you didn't already know. Mother Gothel is a sarcastic, needy witch who keeps Rapunzel locked up in her tower, safe from all of the evil of the world (except from the evil of her "mother").

Ahem.

Every single time that movie has been played at our home (which I would say is more than a dozen, but less than a thousand), I have laughed at Mother Gothel. She is so funny and oddly likable. But horrible, of course. And yet understandable, in some ways. But evil, too. Super manipulative and controlling... but did I mention she is funny?

See here:

When she pulled that line while looking in the mirror, I legit laughed out loud. I know that's the point. But her song about "Mother Knows Best" is also pretty much my theme song. "Sure, go ahead and don't listen to me, but don't be surprised when YOU are wrong and I am right!" haha. ha. ha?

My favorite line of Mother Gothel's, which I feel I must have said to my kids before is, "I'm just teasing; you're adorable; I love you, darling."

I am a sarcastic mother (don't gasp. you've read my captions!). I have been known to tease my kids when they are being dramatic. And when my teasing goes too far, I quickly add, "I'm just kidding; I love you; you're my favorite!" 

I do not, on the other hand, brush my children's hair. So there is that part which makes me less like Mother Gothel. I don't brush their hair for power nor for less tangles. I mean, I've done it on occasion, but with three boys and a teenage daughter, there's not a lot of hair brushing sessions happening at our house. I also don't lock them in their rooms nor do I make them stay inside... always. I'm pretty much the opposite of a helicopter parent, even when it negatively affects my kids. Oh well, right?

While I know I am not a witch (don't tell my kids), I find it interesting that even without taking an online quiz, I can ascertain that the Disney character I am most like IS a witch. A sarcastic, all-knowing, mildly protective, fast-talking witch. And I am mostly okay with that. Halloween costume, perhaps.

How about you? This isn't a quiz, I am so sorry (no I am not), but which movie or story character are you most like as a parent?

Anna

All In School, Let's Go (one)

I'm home alone. For the first time in fourteen years, I am all alone during the school hours.

My youngest turned five last December and immediately said, "When do I start school? You said I would start school when I turned five. I'm five now. When do I go to school?" I had decided that instead of sending him to preschool, we would do a daily "Mommy school" kind of preschool and then find neighborhood friends to play with for socialization. I let him know that he would be able to go to school like his older siblings when he was five. Not "turned" five, but explain that to a barely five year old.

Mommy school worked for us. He learned a lot and we had a great year exploring and playing. It was all that my mother heart needed to finish out my WAHM years. 

And now he is in kindergarten. All day, I might add. I walk him (and his brothers) to school at 8:10 in the morning, I'm back home at 8:30, say goodbye to my husband, and then...

silence.

Silence and choices.

Oh, the choices!

Do I spend the day writing? Cleaning? Organizing? Finding new work opportunities? Developing a new hobby or talent? Working on getting that elusive (to me) hot body? 

I'm not necessarily asking for advice. Because I am getting it. A lot of it. And I am already filling my own head with guilt and pressure. Suffice it to say that this feels like a completely new chapter in my motherhood. I am excited to find what it holds and what I am supposed to do with it. I am slightly worried that I have to do more than I am prepared for, but that remains to be seen. I hope my own journey helps someone out there find their own. Journey! ha, what is this, the Bachelor(ette/ in Paradise)? Amazing. 

Anything you learned in a new chapter of parenting?

Anna

Mother to Mother: Bodies

I've read a few articles lately that question current health beliefs. It's amazing to me how many things are written every single day about health and diet and what we should do with our bodies (yes, including this one--ha!). 

Scientists now claim that perhaps human bodies need more salt than health authorities have allowed. Salt is good! YEAH!

Oh, and all of those years of being told that "breakfast is the most important meal of the day" (except for that semester I spent in France), I now read that maybe, just maybe, breakfast eating might not be all its eggs are cracked up to be. Maybe. 

Also, stop exercising to lose weight. Really. It makes perfect sense. Exercise because it feels amazing. Because you want to do more. Because you need the time to clear your head. Because exercising can help manage stress. Exercise because your body needs it, but not because you think you need a "beach body" like the commercials and Instagram accounts and advertisements tell you are so imperative to happiness.

I have four kids and while my own body has been marred by their formations and debuts, I know it's the best thing I own. And more importantly, I want my children to feel the same way about their own bodies. I don't want my kids to loathe their bodies for not looking a certain way, but to eat what is good and healthy and to move and run because they can!

This video is fantastic: 

This Girl Can celebrates the women who are doing their thing no matter how they do it, how they look or even how sweaty they get. They're here to inspire us to wiggle, jiggle, move and prove that judgement is a barrier that can be overcome.#thisgirlcan

Moms, dad, daughters, sons, all y'all and me, too: we need to stop punishing our bodies. Read science and research and then make the best decisions FOR OUR BODY. Because bread is delicious. Salt is savor. Exercise makes you feel amazing. Water is life. Your body is fantastic. Love it. Work it. Own it. 

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