This video of a high school homecoming assembly is enough to get me to pack up our home and move… so my kids can go to this high school. HA!
But seriously, this is so fun and LONG and I am impressed.
Do your kids dance? Band? Climb? Play sports? Instrument? Read Harry Potter??
Sometimes I look back on the @kidsaretheworst Instagram feed and chuckle. When I post three times a day and multiple (sometimes upwards of 50) times on Stories, I don't think the photos always sink in. When I go back to peruse my own feed, it can really tickle my funny bone.
Recently, I asked parents to send in photos from school. I put many of them in Stories and here are a few of my favorites.
If you ask most parents what they want most for their kids when they grow up, you will probably hear something like,
“I want my child to...
And ultimately, you will hear that parents want all of these things for their offspring when they are fully grown because, “I just want my child to be happy.”
I get it. Oh boy, do I get it.
You hold this tiny infant in your hands and they NEED you for everything.
For food.
For changing their diapers.
For warmth.
For burping.
For peek-a-boo marathons.
Then this baby grows into a toddler who NEEDS you for many of the same things, but also to learn how to walk, speak, sleep, play, apologize, laugh, and listen.
You know the rest. Your kid grows up and their NEED for you lessens for the physical stuff, but their NEED for the emotional stuff increases.
In understanding.
In patience.
In listening.
In refraining from screaming as you sit in the passenger seat when they are learning how to drive.
This once baby is turning into a real-life human adult and BOY HOWDY, you sure wish you did everything you could to prepare them for the “real world.” You pray that they won’t get mixed up in all of the crappy things that ruin lives. You hope they STAY AWAY from drugs.
From negative people.
From addictive substances.
From dating jerks.
From internet predators.
From vaping.
From using too much Axe body spray.
You just want them to have happy lives. You want these humans you have raised to take all that energy, time, money you have spent with them and turn it into something great. You want them to be happy.
What makes a human happy, though?
Are people who went to amazing universities and got killer jobs with the spouse and three kids the only happy ones on earth?
I don’t think so.
Because, if so, that sucks.
I know enough people to know that those things do not make one happy. That there are happy people who have all or some of those things and there are miserable people who have all of those things. I am sure that you, too, may know someone who has NONE of those things and is one of the kindest, happiest of humans you have met.
Back to my four kids. Yes, I have FOUR!
In some circles and societies, that is a crap-ton of little humans to raise. And in other circles, it’s a quaint little number. “Ahh, how cute that you only have four kids. I remember when my first ten kids were all married with at least three kids of their own and I had four children at home left to raise.”
Regardless, I look at all four of my kids and think, “Well, what can we do? How can I help you become the best version of ADULT YOU as possible?”
Here’s what I DO know after only sixteen years of this parenting gig:
Happiness is a byproduct and result of other things.
Of actions.
Of choices.
Of decisions.
If I want my kids to be happy, then they need MORE than a few random items that MY experiences have helped make me happy.
I went to college. It was great. I have gotten some good jobs and some bad jobs. I married a really rad man who luckily is more my best friend now than he was almost 19 years ago. I have four kids who are pretty freakin’ awesome.
Is that why I am happy? If my kids have the same things I have, will they then share my level of happiness?
Nah.
I don’t buy it.
I want my kids to become the greatest humans they can be. And not college nor jobs nor family can make them “happy.”
(So… what can? Get to the point, already, Anna)
That’s it. Granted each one is a pretty big ask and hope in itself.
For example, if I teach my kids to work, they will expect to add to society and not be a taker. There is nothing less attractive than entitlement and laziness. If my kids can WORK, then they will know that if they apply themselves, they will be able to provide.
If they are kind, they will treat everyone with respect. They will not post photos of strangers on “People of Walmart” or laugh at someone who is mentally ill. They will give people the benefit of the doubt and not bully or demean others who are different (or better or worse or equal). Kind people know that when they serve others, that everyone wins/everyone feels happiness. Kindness is a practice and a habit.
I could go on and on (even more than I already have). Someday I may expound on the details of each of the four things I hope to help my children learn.
So I guess I do want them to be happy. Of course, I do. But I don’t wish any prescribed future for my kids. I have NO idea what life has in store for them. I do know that if I help prepare them with tools they can control, that there will be happiness.
And I hope they live close to me. That would definitely add to my happiness.
It happens every week. Sometime once a day. Maybe more often than that.
You see someone on social media who has a "better" life than you...
and you feel worse.
Perhaps it was a post of their clean children with matching clothes and an ice cream cone that is somehow magically not all over their white shirt. You then look over at your child still wearing their pajamas with a milk stain that you're fairly certain was from yesterday's breakfast.
Maybe you saw an Instagram photo of a perfectly-styled kitchen with matching appliances, nary a dirty dish in sight. Then you look up at your tired cupboards and chipped counter tops and a sink full of spoons. How are there so many dirty spoons?
A strong, fit body; an enviable wardrobe; a family you wish you had; a dreamy vacation; a talent you don't possess; a friendship you envy... all of these things are easy to take from a simple social media SQUARE and compare to your real, filter-less life.
But seriously, YAWN, this post has been written before.
"Don't compare yourself to the little squares of others." And while you know it to be true, it is still something you struggle with. Because we ALL struggle with it. There is ALWAYS someone with BETTER SQUARES than you. Always and forever. Amen.
And oddly, that's not even what I'm writing about.
(Get on with it, then!)
Ok, I will.
I want to discuss the thoughts we have AFTER the initial comparison. The thoughts that go like this: "Yeah. But. They don't know what it's like to deal with (fill in the blank with your struggle, illness, issue)."
It's the justification that makes us feel a little better about feeling a little worse. Because while you know that the SQUARES aren't completely accurate representations of the social poster's life, you feel warranted to assume that their lives aren't as difficult as yours. Or as complicated. Or as sad/frustrating/lonely/etc.
Maybe they are not. Maybe they are. Maybe you'll never know. That's not the point.
(My goodness, woman, what IS your point then?)
I often see comments on @kidsaretheworst that quickly assume that "you don't understand what it's like with # of kids" or "try homeschooling" or "you should deal with the issues I have to deal with."
I know that they aren't necessarily writing to me. I understand that these little messages are justifications for feeling a bit better about their circumstance. It isn't about me. it's about them.
But. Hmmm...
For seven and a half years, I have been chasing a diagnosis for a mysterious illness. I have visited a hundred (minus about 92, but feels like one hundred) doctors twenty times each. I have had so many tests, prescriptions, natural remedies, prayers, books studied, articles read, oils schlepped, blessings, suggestions, diets... that I am exhausted by it all.
In fact, I don't talk about it much. Most people don't even know that 3 or 4 times a year, I don't feel safe driving, let alone talking. I slur my words, I forget large portions of thoughts, I replace words unknowingly, I can't think of common, everyday words, my arms go numb, my hands drop all of the things, I get dizzy and SO TIRED. It lasts a few weeks or a month and then it's gone. Then I am back to being me again.
I've had diagnoses, and they have been taken away. I have had long discussions with people who I trust and I have nodded when well-meaning individuals dismiss my condition and say, "Oh, that happens to me, too."
But I don't share this info lightly. In fact, I share it very rarely. It isn't something I talk about in the SQUARES of my social media accounts. I don't make a joke about kids being full of energy and then say "because I am dealing with an illness right now that makes it difficult for me to keep up with my kids. Cue sad music and now you feel bad, too!" That's not my M.O. It's not many people's M.O.
Social media can do a few things:
If an account falls into numbers 2 or 3, then you should not expect to hear about their life struggles or problems. But do not assume they do not have them. Because I will bet you one dollar bill that they most certainly do have something that they are dealing with and not sharing on their account. It isn't "hidden" to make you feel WORSE, but instead to not weigh you down with MORE struggles.
I always tell my social media clients to stick to THREE things that you offer your audience. Not because you aren't wildly more interesting than three things, but because most people cannot handle more than that. They do not want to deal with ALL of you, because they are dealing with ALL of their own life, ALL of their families' lives, ALL of their work and neighborhood lives, etc.
You're a chef? Give me food.
You're a photographer? Give me photos.
There is a place for the 80-20 rule—to make your three things 80% of what you share and sprinkle 20% "OTHER" things to keep it interesting and rounded. But keep it light.
If I sprinkled 20% of my humor pages with my mysterious illness, it would turn into an entirely new page altogether. And honestly, until this post, I have been very quiet about it as I try to navigate this type of normalcy in our lives.
You've got something that makes your life difficult. Maybe multiple things. So do I. So do the people with "perfect" SQUARES and a lot of followers.
So this post isn't about NOT comparing others' perfect squares to your real life. (Or judging a sentence with a double negative.) It's also more of a gentle reminder that EVERYONE is dealing with SOMETHING. That it isn't a race to compare. That we all wish some parts of our lives were prettier or cleaner or had more muscle.
But also, OH WELL.
Do you. Live your good life. Social media reminds me of a classic theme song from the 80s:
You take the good,
You take the bad,
You take them all,
And there you have
The Facts of Life...
(When the world never seems to be living up to your dreams, then suddenly you're finding out
the facts of life are all about you... wait, does this song even make sense??)
Take the SQUARES for what they're worth. If it makes your life better, great. If some SQUARES are making you feel worse, you have this great power to unfollow.
Then go look at your cute messy kid and the sink full of spoons and make him wash them all!
Boom. Your life is already better.
Ok, parents, aunt, uncles, grandparents, and godparents: It is already time to get on your holiday shopping. Take a deep breath, clap your hands together three times, shake your shoulders, and then let it go, because I got you covered with some pretty fantastic ideas (if I do say so myself).
Speaking of "let it go," for those kids or parents that haven't been necessarily good this year, may I present for your consideration, the Frozen Recorder set. Less than $10 and guaranteed to make enemies of friends and ecstatic small children, this little gift will keep on giving long after the holidays. Mostly headaches to parents and babysitters.
Another kind of cruel, but mostly funny to give, is the inflatable pizza. Not only can you NOT eat it, but there's a big chance that you can't even use it until next summer. Unless they plan on using this pizza to go sledding on, which will be fun for the first few rides until it inevitably pops or the rider realizes that there is nothing to hold onto as they barrel down the slippery mountain. But, fun to give.
Remember the insanity last year that was the "hover"board? (I have to put "hover" in quotation marks, because we all know they don't actually hover, so it's a misnomer and incredibly misleading.) This year, the fire issues should be extinguished AND you can get a super handy chair to put on top of it, making your "hover"board a go-cart. Which seems safer, anyway. Maybe? I'm tempted to get this bad boy a spin. Can you imagine the epic races you could have on these?
If Pie in the Face was the must-have game of 2015, Watch Ya Mouth will be the game to have for 2016. I just wish they came with more cheek guards, because I'm weird about sharing things I put in my mouth and stuff. Weird, I know, but have you seen what goes in and comes out of kids' mouths? You can buy more (40 more, exactly, because you're going to have so many parties)!
And for a shameless promotion, get your kids and the adults in your life a really cool shirt. Because you're cool and they're cool and we can all be super cool if we had a cool shirt. Cool? Cool. For those of you who read this and buy a shirt from theworstgoods.com use the code GiftsAreCool for 20% off. I'm feeling generous and cool and stuff.
Do you have a product you think I should share for holiday giving? Email me at kidsaretheworstest@gmail.com (notice the extra "est" at the end of kidsaretheworst) and tell me what you got.
AnnaM
I have never given much thought to the fact that all my elementary school teachers loved Enya. They listened to Enya all the time! They were so lucky they got to pick whatever music they wanted, and they played some of those sweet Irish jams while the class sat quietly reading, sat quietly working on art projects, and sat quietly writing in journals.
When I had a child, I realized that my teachers probably thought Enya was okay, but what they really loved was quiet. The music is haunting and hypnotic, and the lyrics are both memorable and impossible to understand. It might all be in Gaelic? I don’t know; I just know it works. And this is exactly what I told Ryan the other day when Winifred would not take a nap for the sixth day in a row, so we decided to just go to the mall.
It was a very bad idea. Even though she loves the mall—the clothes, the echo-y white noise, the sales associates who squeeze her puffy ankles—she was irritable the whole time and started her terrible twos early. We were there long enough for me to find a nursing bra with actual cups in it (look out world!), and then we hoped the baby would fall asleep in the car on the way home.
“Play her some Enya or something!” I gently and lovingly urged my husband, holding a screaming, writhing baby down in her seat with one hand and buckling her straps with the other.
After about twenty minutes, we were nearing our freeway exit without a nap in sight. Was she tired, or was I the one who missed my naps that day? I was feeling a little exhausted and foggy.
“So she’s not asleep yet?” Ryan asked, and it was the kind of question where the answer is really obvious, which is my favorite kind of question. “I listened to Enya… for nothing?”
I told him telepathically that he listened to Enya to do something nice for his daughter that would go completely unnoticed by her.
That’s not a problem, is it?
Libbie Henrie is a new mother and really smart gal. You should believe everything she writes, especially the super sarcastic parts. She lives in Arizona with her husband and newborn baby. You can read more of her musings on her blog and follow her baby wearing adventures on Instagram @sweetcheeksbabywearing
I am still overwhelmed by all the support and shares with @kidsaretheworst. When I first had the idea to start an Instagram account that showed the "less desirable" side of parenting in a fun way, I had hoped that parents would find the account, have a good laugh, and not feel so alone. I had no idea that it would grow and be shared as it has. Thank you for being a part of it. Big kisses to YOU!
There are a few things I have learned as the account has grown that I didn't understand before and I wanted to share them with all of you that reach out to me, share photos and videos and want to have your account/photos featured on @kidsaretheworst.
Any other questions? Please ask me. Write them in the comments or email me at kidsaretheworstest@gmail.com. That's also where you can send videos and photos if you are private. Please add the name of your Instagram account in the email so I can give you proper credit.
Is there anything that you would love to see on the website here? Let me know? Know of anyone who would love to write a weekly feature on the blog? Have them email me. Are you following us on Facebook? So many questions, Anna!!
Thanks for reading all the way down. I can't wait to see what you can share with all of us. You're rad.
Thanks for sharing your Halloween costumes and photos on Instagram and by email (kidsaretheworstest@gmail.com or thingsaretheworst@gmail.com)
Here are some of my favorites in vlog form. Let me know if you like the vlog on the blog. Be gentle.
And, for the record, I don't mean to be inappropriate, so please pretend like nothing is inappropriate if you think it might be inappropriate. (yikes. hehehe)
Happy Halloween, mas and pas.
Anna
You've been working on your kids' costumes for a few weeks, maybe even a month or more. You bought all of the candy (and maybe a little more after some of the candy mysteriously disappeared) to give to the trick or treaters that come to your door. You decorated the inside of your home. The outside of your house looks fun and just spooky enough to keep the ghouls away. You've read the Halloween stories, picked up pumpkins, maybe even carved some, too. You've done a ton to get ready for Halloween.
But, wait! What about you? You love Halloween and don't want this year go by without dressing up. What are you going to do?
I have your costume for the year. Also one of my best ideas yet: AN ESCAPE VEHICLE. Every year it's the same, your kids are excited to fill their bags full of candy and you are excited to take them. Fueled by energy and a few dips in the recently-procured candies, you have made it ten blocks from home. AND THEN, your kids lose it. Complete meltdown. Their legs quit working, their costume is too hot/too cold, the last house was too scary... Halloween, as far as your children are concerned, is over. Where is your magic wand to zap you all back home? Drats, you forgot to bring it. So you carry your crying, exhausted child home, while their candy is spilling all over the sidewalks and your wig is falling off.
Escape vehicle, friends. Complete with blanket, maybe water bottles, and of course your skeleton. My escape vehicle this year is a Madsen Cycle. This thing is killer. I can't believe I have lived my life this long without one. But any bike with a basket or trailer could work, too. Or a golf cart? Escape vehicle. The two words that will save your Halloween this year and every year.
I don't know why I was sporting the double chin so hard in this video. Luckily I am not TOO concerned. But still, let's meet in real life and you can see I'm not this ridiculous. Or am I?
Here's wishing you a Happy Halloween, to all mothers, fathers, children, grandparents, and all the rest of ya!
Anna
Our first time on Ellen. Hopefully not the last. We love our kids, but yeah, sometimes they're the worst. Thanks, Ellen!
Things toddlers can do that you probably shouldn't from NickMom:
Got anything funny to share? Send it to us at kidsaretheworstest@gmail.com
We start school in two weeks. Over the summer some of the kids shifted into different bedrooms and how we managed school mornings last year isn't going to work this year. While we were discussing our new wake-up routines, I told the kids about the alarm clock that I had as a kid. It was a rooster playing the guitar and it sang the most annoying song over and over again until you pushed on its head. And like any millennial parent, I thought I'd see if it was on youtube to show my kids. Ten seconds later we were watching the terror of my childhood mornings:
Can you feel the emotion?
My brother had the alarm clock with a gorilla playing the drums. And my mom had a clock where a wino clown whistled at the top of the hour. That one freaked out my friends during high school movie nights.
Apparently I don't own enough whacky clocks as an adult. But watching all of these clocks from my childhood caused my children to want a crazy alarm clock for their school mornings this year. We did a little internet searching and here are some of the whackiest and most amazing alarm clocks we found right now:
A dancing, rapping bacon alarm clock. What is not to love? (LINK)
This gun alarm clock has my little boys the most excited. You have to shoot the target to get the alarm to stop, which sounds fun to them and painful to me. (LINK)
If your kids like cars and racing, imagine how revved they would be to wake up every morning to "start your engines" and the intense sounds of race cars. I might have a heart attack, but if you've got a deep sleeper, this could be your/their answer. (LINK)
Star projection at night and eight different sound options to wake your child. I love this one, but my boys aren't buying it. I love ceiling projections. (LINK)
A cuckoo alarm clock perfect for kids. It's vintage and current and I want one for my room. (LINK)
A new alarm clock might be just what we need to get everyone up on the first day of school. And every day of school thereafter. Let's hope so, at least.
There are some photos that make everyone smile and laugh. Alisha Greyson's daughter gave us two such photos. Luckily, Alisha is a photographer and ready to take those pictures of her daughter's craziest moments. I loved hearing her responses to these basic pictures, and I hope you do, too.
What happened to your daughter’s finger in this popular shot flipping the bird?
First of all, Savannah was in a swimsuit and it was poring rain outside. I told her multiple times that we could not go swimming, but she figured that if she kept her swimsuit on long enough she would win. It was already a "fun" morning. Then Savannah asked me for a band aid, because she wanted one. I had recently bought "Despicable Me" bandages but she really thought of them as stickers. I told her that band aids were only for ouchies but she insisted and then showed me her fake ouchie... on her middle finger. She actually kept switching between her middle fingers on both hands; she's not the best liar! The attitude in the picture came from being annoyed that I wasn't giving her a bandage right away and because I pulled out the phone to take a picture again. I'm afraid I may see that same look multiple times in her teenage years.
Tell us about the SunnyD picture.
I did not buy her Sunny D. Yhat was all her dad, so for Savvy that was a treat. Also, she is a very independent girl and feels proud when she is able to do something on her own. I was in the other room changing her baby brother's diaper. I could hear her doing something and pushing a stool around in the kitchen. A minute later when I went back into the kitchen, I found that beautiful bright mess and she just looked up at me and smiled. She said, "I spilled a little mom. But don't worry, I'm cleaning it up!" and she went back to licking it up off the counter. I was literally speechless. My counters were orange for 3 days!
Tell us a little about your family.
I love my little family! I moved to Utah 7 years ago and I met my husband, Mike, the second day that I lived here. We dated for 2 years and were married in 2010. We had our first child, our daughter Savannah, a year later and she is now 3. When she was just a newborn I worried that the nickname "Savvy" wouldn't fit her, but it couldn't be more fitting. She likes to go by "Savvy G" but some of my family members like to just call her "Savage." They say she gets dirtier quicker than any other kid. She is the most animated and dramatic little girl you will ever meet! Then we had our son Preston who is now 18 months. He is a sweetheart who never stops eating. He is a big flirt and will call anyone mommy if it will help him get what he wants. He is now Savvy's best little buddy and follows her around everywhere and into all kinds of messes. He spends most of his time trying to play basketball like his daddy! My husband Mike works for Marriott and someday we will take advantage of his perks and we can actually travel! I am a wedding, lifestyle and family photographer and I like to sew in the very little free time we have.
What is your favorite thing to do with your kids?
I love to take my kids hiking and exploring! We try to go up into the mountains as much as possible and have picnics and pick wildflowers. We also like to binge watch Netflix together while staying in our pajamas all day long!
What is one thing you wish you would have known before becoming a parent?
I wish I would have known how messy kids really are; not so I could have prepared, because there really is no way to prepare. I just wish I would have known so I would never have thought things like, "When I have kids they will never have a messy face!" "They will never wear their pajamas to the grocery store" "I would never let them eat something that fell on the floor!"
What is one thing you would like all new parents to know?
Somebody once told me that whenever my kids make a crazy mess or do something they should not do, instead of getting upset right away I should take a picture instead. They said this will help me to keep calm and not be so upset, and will also allow me to laugh about some of the things they do. Kids are going to make messes and do crazy things they shouldn't. That's inevitable. We might as well laugh and enjoy it, that's one of the reasons I love KidsAreTheWorst so much!!
Thanks so much, Alisha. We all think that we won't let our kids play with our cellphones or have messy faces... until we have them and throw all of our pre-child ideas out the window.
Check out more of Alisha and her work on:
https://www.facebook.com/AlishaGregsonPhotography
http://alishagregsonphotography.com
I don't know about you, but I am getting a bit anxious for the upcoming summer break. Kids are home, days are long, and the television and personal devices are getting ready for their big season of usage. When I am "easygoing" during the summer, the kids watch and play on too many screens, eat too much junk food, and then inevitably they get cranky and fight. It's a freakin' broken record.
We have done summer fun calendars where each day we choose something fun to do together as a family after their chores are done. It works for the first few days, even a couple of weeks. But then... everyone gets tired and there's a campout or a short trip and we get off track.
I have finally decided to take a page out of my mom's old playbook. I kinda swore I would never do it, but here I am, finally ready to do THE POINT SYSTEM. Even writing it makes me cringe a bit. Ha! But, I am determined to make it work for our family, because it was a great way to learn how to budget time, responsibility and "earn" your allowance.
What is THE POINT SYSTEM? (Sorry, but it is so legendary in our family that it feels imperative to be in all caps.) Simply, chores and work are given values (points) and you record your points when you've completed the assigned chores. OK, that didn't read so simply, so let me show you this summer's POINT SYSTEM chart for my 13yo daughter:
I then added up the amount of points that are the WEEKLY GOAL (not 100%, every job every day). For example, I don't expect my daughter to do a math sheet seven days a week during the summer, but the goal is for five days a week. Brushing her teeth, however, the goal is that she does it twice every day (shocker!). If she meets or exceeds the goal number, she gets the full amount (which we have decided is $20). And then you can see how it breaks down after that.
Letting them "earn" their money will help in so many ways, I hope. No longer will I feel guilty when they go to the Shiver Shack to get a snow cone with some friends and I don't have a few spare dollars. If they want to go, they can use the money they earn(ed). Plus, they will have earned enough money to buy me a great birthday gift at the end of the summer. BooYAH!
I'll let you know how it goes this summer. I'm super hopeful. And I've done a lot of the work already making the POINT SYSTEM charts for each kid (my 5yo's list is a bit easier and less $ earning potential).
Wanna try it in your home? I've made a blank template that you can print out and fill out for your kid(s). If you do, let me know how it goes. Let's POINT SYSTEM all over this summer.
Right click and save the photo to print! TaDah!
It's like I always say, "Stick with what your Momma taught ya!" Sorry I doubted you, Mom.
Best of luck this summer, parents! WE CAN DO THIS!
anna
Originally posted on babycenter.com in April, 2015
written by Anna Macfarlane, kidsaretheworst.NET
15 Reasons Kids are the Worst
If you have children, you know that your love for them runs crazy deep; so deep that you could dig a tunnel to the other side of the planet and you still wouldn’t have dug as deep as your love.
Sometimes, though, those same kids can drive you to the point of madness where you want to scream, “Kids are the worst!” at the top of your lungs. But, you’re not alone and that is why you need the Instagram account @KidsAreTheWorst. You don’t need to shout or scream or even cry. These 15 kids below have done things so hilariously rotten that we all can laugh together and then look at our own children and say, “Eh, you’re not so bad today. We can do this!”
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #1
They want to take that bath…. as soon as you get them dressed in their Sunday best.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #2
They use their imaginative play to make mountains out of the laundry you just cleaned, folded, and put away.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #3
Nothing impresses them. Not even what was once your favorite day of the entire school year.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #4
HDTV is too realistic for them, so they put a filter on it.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #5
Sometimes they take personal style matters into their own hands. (Anyone else think this girl was hoping to be like Rapunzel and see her hair turn brown?)
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #6
They are either professional tasters or professional wasters. Jury is still out.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #7
They amaze you with their uncanny ability to make a mess in seconds. Holy Sheets!
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #8
You never get to sleep in anymore. And your alarm clock stinks.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #9
They booby trap your bathroom and find reasons not to brush their teeth. All in one gesture.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #10
Their skin is softer than yours. Also, where did all of your petroleum jelly go?
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #11
They throw fits in the worst possible aisle of the store. Don’t they realize that anyone in this section is already a bit upset? Maybe they sense it.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #12
They remind you of that woman you used to work with that was always anxious about deadlines. Oh yeah, and they make messes of your best lipstick!
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #13
There is no secret hiding spot for you. They will always find you.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #14
Gifts are always interesting from your kids. Often honest and sometimes sweet, some kids are lucky that they aren’t old enough to spell yet, or you might get a little offended.
Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #15
They need lots of bandages for their pretend owies. Seriously, they can’t even.
Dear Children,
Laughing with you is so much more fun than crying. Someday you will understand when your kids throw the same tantrums, make similar messes and unintentionally offend that stranger in the grocery store, too, and we will be their grandparents that know how to laugh at it all. Hopefully you will laugh at your kids, too. Because, kids are the worst. Once in a while.
Love,
Your Parents
I rarely feel guilt as a mother. I’m confident that I am not totally screwing up in helping these four humans become self-sufficient members of society. But when Mother’s Day rolls around, all of the guilt I could have felt during the rest of the year hits me in one gigantic ball of “you’re not good enough” guilt. I also feel guilt for not loving Mother’s Day when there are so many women who would like to be mothers, miss their mothers, or miss the children who made them mothers. It’s a complicated day.
Today, though, I sit in a hospital room waiting for my child to return from surgery. It’s nothing too serious; he broke his femur last year and they want to take the plate and 12 screws out so his bone can continue to grow and reduce his risk of breakage at the growth plates. But its a weird thing, sitting in a hospital room doing nothing but writing on your laptop while your child is being cut open and worked on.
I can hear the cries of children in neighboring rooms. Some cries sound awfully young and others sound like they are in awful pain. I wonder what they’re here for, and my heart aches for them, but also for their parents. Watching your kids go through pain (physical and emotional) is so much more difficult than going through your own pain. That’s what you cannot understand until you have had children. Until you have raised little human beings, you think that you know empathy, but it is so much heavier than you knew possible.
When my son first broke his femur, I had just returned home from a long trip with the youth from my church and was unpacking WHILE trying to pack for our family summer vacation we were to be leaving for the next day. I heard cries coming from the backyard and when I saw him clutching his leg on the trampoline, I said the same thing that I had said every other time someone got hurt on the trampoline, “You’re fine. Just hop off and go chill out somewhere.” At this point, you might be thinking what a wonderful mother I am. Where is my Mother of the Year trophy?
It gets worse.
He was still crying and clutching at his quad—he was not going to move on his own. So, I grabbed him and carried him over to a patio chair. Are you cringing yet? Yeah, I know. This is one of those “maybe you should feel more guilt on days other than Mother’s Day” moments. “Dude, you’re fine. Just breathe,” I said. He tries, but the deep breath sends a shock of pain to his leg.
My husband and I look at each other and know that we have to take him to the hospital. Every slight bump or turn in the car and my little boy lets out a small shriek. I am realizing the severity of the situation every minute that we get closer to the hospital. His cries are now sending little jabs into my mothering heart. After we are admitted to the ER (and I get the first few of many disapproving head shakes reserved for those who own a trampoline), my son lies on the hospital bed and lets out the most pathetic sounds. I try to give him kisses and hold his hand, but he pleads that I don’t touch him. “Can someone give him something for the pain?” I ask anyone who walks by our room.
I have turned into the Mama Bear. Just one hour before I was questioning his pain level and now I am demanding to get some professional attention to my poor baby. He’s a little guy and fairly quiet, so to hear him crying in such agony was wrenching my heart. Finally we are told that he has broken his femur and will be admitted. The break will require surgery. Because he had eaten dinner shortly before jumping on the trampoline, they wouldn’t be able to begin his surgery for hours, which turned into the following morning. All evening, they gave him doses of medicine, but he continued to feel a lot of discomfort. As soon as he would start drifting to sleep, his muscle would spasm and he would shriek at the pain. This went on all night. He went into surgery in the morning and the surgeon told us that it was significantly worse than the single fracture they had thought. He had three separate fractures going every which way on his femur, and she could not say enough about how much pain he must have felt.
My small eight-year-old boy got smaller in the following months as he wasn’t able to play, swim, or participate in most of the summer activities. The first two weeks of the third grade, he pushed around a walker and wore a big brace that we called his “bionic leg.” He smiled when people brought him treats, but silent tears rolled down his face when we went to family and neighborhood parties.
The subsequent doctor and physical therapy visits were taxing, but mostly because we saw so many children with issues MUCH more difficult than my son’s. My heart broke for these kids and their parents, grateful for the patient nurses and doctors, for the hospital and all those who contributed to it. Life can be sincerely difficult, and a messy room, a broken tv, or a ruined tube of lipstick all seem wonderful and fun when you put them on the scale of human experience.
Today the anesthesiologist asked my son what flavor of sleep gas he wanted. After considering it for a few seconds, he asked if they had “glazed donut” flavor. The doctors and nurses all laughed and mused about such a great idea for a flavor of medicine. One of the residents, looking over the medical chart, said, “It’s so nice to have a healthy kid,” mostly to himself, but I couldn’t agree more.
It is SO nice to have a healthy kid. Being a parent can be frustrating and trying and exhausting, but it is the best thing I have ever done. Mind you, I have done a lot of amazing and fantastic things in my life. I have travelled, worked, created, taught, accomplished, and continue to do these things. But having a kid (four of them!) has by far been the best thing I have chosen to do. I understand that some people do not wish to have children and I don’t think anyone SHOULD have kids if they don’t want them (plug for the gift of ADOPTION). But if they don’t want to have children because they don’t want anyone accidentally breaking the television, waking them up early Saturday morning or spilling cereal on the carpet, then they are MISSING OUT!
Mother’s Day is a tricky day, to be sure, but somehow it’s got to stop being about comparing what kind of mother you are, were, or want to be and what kind of mother you had. It’s got to stop being about the brunch and what presents you give and get. This year, Mother’s Day for me is right now, sitting in this empty hospital room, realizing the gratitude I have for the chance at being a mother. It is thinking about the hugs my children give me that sincerely feel like they are filled with healing powers. It is reminiscing about my mother sitting in her chair with her needlepoint project and grateful that she made the choice to have me.
My kids may never say cheesy sentiments about me being their angel mother (I’m looking at you, Abraham Lincoln) or send me to a spa while they clean the house and make my favorite dessert. That’s okay by me. I’m just glad I get to be an imperfect mother of imperfect kids in an imperfect life that I love.
Happy Mother’s Day, imperfect people.
I've mentioned before that I have four kids, who are all brilliant and funny and good. Of course sometimes they are super stinkers, because they are kids... because they are HUMANS. The first few months after I created the @kidsaretheworst accounts, my kids seemed fairly offended when I mentioned it.
"You think we are the worst?" they would ask.
And I would respond with, "Of course. Once in a while. But you're also the best a lot of the time, so I wouldn't sweat it." Sometimes I would even explain how hyperbole works and they seemed to be temporarily placated.
Now they laugh at all of the pictures and the whole idea of KATW. Chalk it up to maturity, time, or boredom, they don't even really care anymore that I refer to their peers as "the worst" on a daily. My 5yo will look at some of my papers or work and say, "Oh is this for 'kids are the worst'?" Sometimes he looks through my pictures and tells me exactly WHO should be on the account. It's really kind of funny. He has become unfazed. Which is true to most of my antics, really. My kids think all mothers sing and dance ridiculously in the middle of Trader Joe's when Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" comes on. I mean, "I wanna feel the heat with somebody" are some majorly under-appreciated lyrics.
I digress. Like always. What I wanted to post is a little letter to those kids who might be struggling with the idea of an account called "KIDS are the WORST" that their parents follow, submit to and laugh with.
Dear Children,
Laughing with you is so much more fun than crying. Someday you will understand when your kids throw the same tantrums, make similar messes, and unintentionally offend that stranger in the grocery store, too. We will be their grandparents who will continue to laugh at the maniacal situation that is parenthood and at them. Hopefully, you will laugh at your kids, too. Because, kids are the worst. Once in a while.
Love,
Your Parents
Some photos on KidsAreTheWorst tickle our funny bones more than others. There are some photos that I am sent that make me laugh immediately and I know that I have to post and share them right away. What is the story behind these photos? Who are these kids and who are their parents? I asked Amy Holmes (@amyedenholmes) to be my first KATW Behind the Photo interview because this photo has been one of my favorites and has become a bit of a viral sensation since it was posted.
I originally purchased the peanut costume (from Amazon) for my daughter’s first Halloween in 2009. It has been a staple in our “make believe box” ever since, along with my son’s sexy fireman and skeevy cop get-ups.
My daughter (5 years old in the picture) has always marched to the beat of her own drum (don’t most kids, though?). And for the past few years, she’s been adamant about choosing her own clothes. A game-changing moment for us (and by “us,” I mean me) was when she exclaimed, “God made YOU to be fancy, He didn’t make ME to be fancy mom!” (I was asking her to wear a sundress to a nice family dinner. You would’ve thought by her flare for the dramatic, I was dressing her up for one of those shameful Toddler & Tiaras pageants.) I realized in the moment that, A. I didn’t have the energy to be the fashion police, and more importantly, B. kids' hearts are so fragile. I just want her to have a happy childhood; and if that means she walks around in a peanut costume, then so be it.
And the sign on her back, .I just thought it was funny. It was more of a “shout-out” to all the other moms at Target.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have three kids, ages 6, 3, and 11 months. I drive a mini-van. I homeschool my kids. We are entirely boring. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I love snuggling on the couch and watching TV, mostly because they're quiet and I get to rest for a minute. My kids talk incessantly, and it’s fun (except for all those new Pokemon sounds my daughter is making. Those are annoying.). I’m constantly documenting our conversations in my Notes app because I’m terrified that I’m going to forget all the funny things they say. I love the quiet moments. It gives me time to soak in life.
I wish I had known that the miracle of childbirth was going to leave me unable to jump rope without wetting myself. I would’ve done more kegel exercises. For sure. Also, baby boys and boners. I wasn’t expecting that.
You’re not cool anymore. Being a parent is inherently uncool. Accept it and move on. While those beautiful new Tory Burch boots and that Suburban may be earning you some high style-points, everyone knows that you’re scraping baby poop out of your nails and sucking like the dickens on that ingenious little NoseFrida Snotsucker just like all the other parents. So go ahead and buy your kids the tacky character bedding and stop worrying about what people think of you.
***
Thanks so much Amy. Keep up on those kegels, Moms and Moms-to-be. And, while I never had a NoseFrida Snotsucker, I do know a bit about being uncool.
Is there a picture on KidsAreTheWorst that you would like to know more about? Which is your favorite? Have you let your kids wear something in public that you wish you would have accompanied with a "Don't Judge My Mom. I Dress Myself" sign?
a
@jillweiers
It happens to all parents at one time or another. You've burped your babies, changed them into a fresh outfit, played a little and then they spit up all over themselves and you. Just the sound of a cough followed by the beginning gurgling of vomit can send shivers down your spine. But, spit happens. Does it ever. Enjoy:
Thanks to Shay Nugent, Alex Witson, Dana Baker, Andrea Cottrell and The Pink Poppy Shop for their contributing video clips.
Want your child to be featured on one of our next videos? Email your videos to kidsaretheworstest@gmail.com .
SPECIFICALLY, we are looking for videos of your kids' best dance moves OR record them saying any words they can't pronounce correctly (for example, my son used to say "hangerbooger" for hamburger). Thanks in advance!
a
This video was sitting in my Direct Message folder on Instagram and immediately I fell in love with these parents. Well, immediately I gasped at the sound of technology being destroyed. And then I heard the mother exclaim, "Oooh Shiiiiizaam" and laugh and that's when I wanted to go find them and hug them. I don't know if I would be so restrained and laugh as both of these parents did when their toddler destroyed the television.
But, I know it's just stuff. My kids don't quite get that concept yet. I am always telling them to keep their rooms clean, respect the home and car, hang up their clothes, don't spill, wipe your shoes, all that jazz. Which I think is important, because children need to respect the items that their parents worked hard to purchase and provide. But, when something breaks or spills or ruins, do I remember that ACCIDENTS HAPPEN? That the spirit of my children is more important than something that will eventually end up in a thrift store or landfill anyway?
I asked this mother, Carrie, to email me the video so I could post it. In the subject line, she wrote "Daddy gets a new tv." You can either laugh or cry, and when it comes to little children and accidents, I hope I laugh more like these parents.
What do you think? Would you have laughed and refrained from cursing, too? Does this video make you cry or laugh just watching it?
a