Your stories and pictures

Sometimes I get emails and messages that parents send with photos AND stories. And some photos tell an entire story all on their own. I could bombard Instagram with photos all day long, but that would be frustrating for all of us. Here are some of my favorite stories this week:

Looks like Harleigh is stuck in time out.

"My daughter Harleigh will do absolutely the opposite of everything shes told, this day she was told to sit and relax, she found the timeout stool and became creative, and no shes not stuck she always manages to get out:)." -Patricia Johnston

Thanks for the doll, Dad, but just let me play in this box some more!

"In this picture I'm sitting in a box. As a child I really loved to play with boxes. My dad once bought a doll and I threw the doll in a corner and started to play with the box! This picture was taken around 1992 when I was about 5 years old!" -Angelique Vermeule, The Netherlands

I see you, but I am choosing to not respond. Currently I do not need a hand. But thanks.

"All I want is a little privacy!" -Maricela Jimenez

Sometimes I feel the need to explain to people that the title of this website, instagram, and all Kids Are The Worst things is playing off our society's need to exaggerate moments. I want to explain to all of the Negative Nancy Naysayers that you can laugh with us or don't worry about it. But then I read this quote:

“Don’t waste your energy trying to change opinions.
Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”

— Tina Fey

Well, then. We can't convince other parents and non-parents to laugh and understand hyperbole, so we gotta stop trying. You get it. I get it. Let's have fun.

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April Fools Fails

April Fools' Day is almost as wonderful to me as Christmas or my birthday. And, I LOVE my birthday. So when people ask me to schedule an appointment or make plans for April 1st, I can't commit. Partly because I am skeptical and untrusting ("Will you really be there?") and also because I don't want to miss out on any potential fun to be played.

The last few years, though, have seen more April Fools Fails than I care to admit. The saran wrap on the kids' bedroom door openings for when they woke up in the morning was a BIG FAIL last year. They all saw right through it (bahdum CHHH), except that the problem was the opposite: they saw the saran wrap as soon as they opened their doors. I put a sticker of a rival university on my husband's car and laughed all day thinking of it proudly displayed on his bumper. He didn't even laugh or feel an ounce of embarrassment. (WOMP WOMP)

I've done the Brown-E treats, the oreos with toothpaste, the switching kids in their beds, the wigs at school when picking them up. My kids are unfazed by my April 1st antics. The best one I ever did was the meatloaf and mashed potatoes disguised as cupcakes eight years ago. My kids were so upset and my Grandpa ate them without batting an eye. After he finished the cold meatloaf confection, I said, "Grandpa, it was a joke. It was meatloaf and mashed potatoes." To which he answered, "Yeah, I thought it tasted funny." That made me laugh for days.

This year, I have no good plans. I have learned through some BAD prank mistakes that they cannot be mean jokes. What you think is funny (like saying you're pregnant) is actually pretty mean to your husband and others around you who are being supportive and loving. Then you yell, "April Fools!" and they feel like you played with their emotions too far. Yeah, I admit I learned that one the hard way. So learn from me and don't do it!

What would I want my kids to do to me that would be funny and not mean? That is the question I keep asking myself and I keep coming up with, "Eh, not a whole lot." Maybe I could put tinfoil all over their scooters and bikes, so when they go to ride them it will be a shock. But I don't want to clean that up. What if I told them we were going to clean the house all day long and then surprised them with shakes instead? Man, I'm getting soft.

Years ago I printed off this picture and put it inside the toilet seat, between the bowl and the seat, under the lid.

It scared all of my kids and husband, but also caused an accident that I had to clean up. I laughed while cleaning it, though, so there's that consolation. But still, the joke was on me. Nobody else was scrubbing urine out of grout and off the wall that day. Just me.

So, I'm out of ideas. Help a mother prankster out. What are your plans for April Fools' Day?

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Spoiling Kids Is The Best

Spoiled kids are the best. Am I right?

The other day I was scanning my 13yo daughter's cell phone messages. That's our deal, mind you, and everyone does their own deal differently. Our deal is that she can have a cell phone, but I get to see her messages and accounts whenever I ask. If I find that she has deleted anything, she doesn't get a phone. If she is being inappropriate or mean on any account or text, she doesn't get a phone. If she has her phone in her room past a certain hour at night, she doesn't get a phone. You get the idea. Good, kind, honest cellphone behavior means she can use her phone. Otherwise... no phone.

Should I mention here that she has a dumbphone? Oh yeah. An old school, slide phone that gets no wifi, no smartphone features, just a plain old calling and texting dumbphone. I tried to pump her up about it and told her that Rihanna uses a dumbphone. Rihanna! If that's not cool, I don't know what is. My daughter was not impressed. You see, she HAS a smartphone already. She uses it for her calculator, as her music player, to search vocab words, check the weather, use for a stopwatch and alarm clock, and she even has an Instagram account. But the difference in monthly phone charges on a smartphone and dumbphone is ridiculous. I would have to pay almost 4x as much for her to use the smartphone she already owns than I do for a new sliding dumbphone. Guess which option I chose? Oh, that's right, you already know.

I also search her smartphone every once in a while. See what she's been searching, what she's IM'ing on Instagram, stuff like that. I came across a group message she wrote on Instagram a few months ago to her friends about this horrible, ugly, ridiculous dumbphone that her mother got her. She hated it so much and she wanted to cry, but she didn't want to hurt MY feelings. Oh, how I tried to stifle my laughter as I read this message. I mean, I get it. When I was her age, I wanted a CD-playing Walkman more than almost anything. (Side note: I am OLD!) I had a CD-playing radio console and a tape-playing Walkman and my parents thought that was good enough. I felt so out of style and stupid. But, I made mix tapes from my CD-player and played that Walkman as loudly as I could. I faked it until I could buy my own CD-playing Walkman.

Kids come over to my house and tell me that they have the latest iPhones, iPads, gaming consoles, scooters, doo dahs, and thingamajigs. Which is cool, I guess. My kids have some cool stuff, too, but rarely the latest anything. Don't be mistaken, they have a lot of great things to play on, with, wear, read, and do. Having the latest for my kids is not my priority, though. Why? Because the latest ANYTHING and EVERYTHING lasts about ten minutes. Then the new and improved thingamabob comes out and your kid wants that one now. Well, tough luck, dudes. 

I am not the most frugal person in the world, but we have GOT to stop spoiling our kids so much. They need to figure out that their cassette Walkman is just fine for now. They need to wait, earn, get creative, be patient, chill out. You know, old school-style:

Use it Up
Wear it Out
Make Do
or Do Without

It's not bad advice. It's actually great advice. And if Rihanna is doing something super thrifty, use her as an example. But only for the dumbphone thing. Let's not get all crazy and suggest our kids do everything like Rihanna.

The best thing to spoil kids with is kisses and hugs and our support. Otherwise, spoiling kids is the worst!

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Calling for Tweets and Videos

I'd love to post some funny parenting tweets. If you know someone whose tweets I need to follow, put their twitter handle in the comments or tweet me at @kidsareworst (no "THE").

If you need a light laugh today, here are some videos we found awfully amusing. Got any we need to see? Let us know!

Not one for excuses, BUT... my dog threw up all over the carpet (WHY oh why doesn't he barf on tile or wood?!?), I have deadlines quickly approaching and my oldest son has to be all high-achiever and I have to take him to the State Science Fair competition in thirty minutes. (He did not get that from me, let's be super clear.) This day is running away from me like so many seem to. I want to provide great content here, but this is why I need a little help from you: Send me along any fun stories or funny videos that you would like featured on kidsaretheworst. Here's what I will do for you: give you credit and a giant hug if/when we meet. Deal?

Thanks! On to better and brighter manana!

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Potty Humor

Public bathrooms.

I mean, am I right? Public bathrooms are one of my least favorite things in the world. After a lot of actual horrible injustices in the world and the fear of spiders laying eggs in my flesh, of course.

I know I am not alone in my dislike of public restrooms. WebMd has an article about what germs and illnesses you can catch in them (allegedly not a lot if you wash your hands and stuff) so I know there are plenty of others who don't eagerly use public bathrooms. BUT, I am grateful for them. I like to venture outside of my house on occasion and it sure is nice when places have facilities you can use for those gotta-go moments.

Full disclosure: I had public germ issues as a teenager. Like, I wouldn't touch a lot of things because I read some terrifying germ statistics. I had to throw a lot of those issues out of the window when I had kids. Especially when I had more than one child. Suddenly holding onto the escalator hand rail was for safety reasons and a dropped pacifier wasn't THAT dirty. But public bathrooms remain difficult for me. I have one daughter and three sons--those boys pee twice as often as my daughter ever did. Bringing kids into bathrooms has also brought a lot of laughter in our home as well. Here are a few of our stories, please share yours in the comments or on our Facebook page:

• When my second son was in a public bathroom stall with me, he loudly asked me why I didn't have a wiener. I told him it was because I was a girl and he was a boy like his brothers and dad. Only boys have wieners. "Then why is my wiener so small and Dad's is so huge?" The ladies in the other stalls began to laugh quietly. "Because Dad is very lucky," I said. "Yours will get bigger, too." He looked down and said, "I hope not. Dad's wiener is way too big." The laughter grew and I joined in. All I could think to say at that point was, "Dad will be really happy that you think so."
• Speaking of my husband, a month ago we took our sons to see their sister perform in a school play. Our youngest son could not hold his need to pee any longer, so my husband took him to the bathroom. They were sharing a stall and after my son did his business, my husband told him to wait for a second while he did his. My son knew it wasn't a good idea to open the door when someone was going to the bathroom, so he got down on his hands and knees and CRAWLED under the stall. Mortified, my husband made him wash his hands super well, but neglected to tell me this story until after the play was over and I had shared my box of candy with this bathroom crawler sitting on my lap.
• When my oldest son was two years old, he would rate the noise level of others in the public bathrooms. "Mom, did you hear that? Sounded like lightning." One time he said, "Did you hear that woman? That one is gonna stink!" Apologies if you are reading this now and remember a squeaky voice calling you out.

Velvet, a follower of kidsaretheworst, shared this story about her daughter in a public bathroom:

• While camping, Velvet took her toddler daughter to the campground bathroom. There was a long line and while waiting, the daughter really wanted her mom's attention as she tugged on Velvet's sweater. Before she could ask "what?" her daughter yelled out, "MOM THAT LADY HAS A REALLY BIG BUTT!" She tried to shush her daughter but the girl would not hear any of it. She pointed at the woman ahead of them in line and again proclaimed at the top of her voice, "BUT MOM! LOOK AT IT! IT'S REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG!" The woman turned around and quickly told Velvet that little children just tended to tell the truth and that it was completely okay. She apologized but then her daughter piped in with a confident, "See Mom, I told you it was huge."

I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes from laughing at that one. Got a public bathroom story you want to share? Write it in the comments or share it on our Facebook page. Bless our kids' hearts, am I right?!

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Feeling Happy Friday

“What is a frog’s favorite day of the week?”

”Fly-day!”

Today is the first official day of Spring! And, my sources tell me, it is also the International Day of Happiness! Did you even know there was such a thing? Why not, right?

To get you into World Happy Day (alternate name, apparently), I wanted to share some good articles and fun things to check out:

• Five Things I Learned When I Said Yes To My Daughter for 24 Hours
• Dear Mom of Tantruming Toddler in Target
• Six Nepalis share why you should be happy (this is awesome!)
• Finally the debate for the correct way to hang toilet paper is OVER! (and I was right!)
• Pixar only knows one way to draw a female face, apparently (warning: language)
• Another article giving "The Skinny on Diet Sodas" which leads me to...

A Friday Question! Some of us parents NEED a little boost, whether it be caffeine through diet sodas (or regular sodas), coffee, green tea, energy drinks or some similar item. Getting enough sleep is often not an option for most of us, so we need all of the help we can get, am-I-right?! I JUST started drinking diet sodas this last year of my life, and although I know they are not great for me, they have helped me through some energy issues I have. So my question is, what is your drink of choice to keep you going?

My choice is Diet Dr. Pepper. On pebble ice. With fresh lime. And sugar-free coconut flavoring. Chemicals, YOWZAS! But I also like the grape-flavored Crystal Light Energy packets. On ice. In my water bottle. I'm so picky.

Also, tell us in the comments if there is any kind of scientific finding that would ever convince you to stop getting that extra liquid oomph.

Have a great weekend!

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Let's Do This Thing

“The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.”

— Marjorie Hinckley

I am so excited to finally get this website up and running. This idea has been running around in my head for years, and to see it alive is so rewarding. I want to go around with my hands in the air yelling, "It's Alive, Aaaaa-LIVE!" like Dr. Frankenstein. Now I know how he feels. Amazing and a little terrified. I hope this is everything that I know it can be. I hope you find value here. I hope that people share their stories and join in on the community.

This is what you can expect from kidsaretheworst online:

1. More fun photos that I can't put on Instagram.
2. Stories from other parents and former children on the imperfect and hilarious realities of child rearing and childhood.
3. Videos!
4. Laughs! Lots of laughs to avoid those exhausted tears that creep up in parenthood.
5. Links to other fun and helpful articles on parenting.
6. Giveaways. "If it's free it's me," like I always say.
7. Community. Come over to our Facebook page where you can get in on some good conversation and camaraderie.
8. Awesomeness.

I like to pressure myself with that last one. But I'm fairly certain that you will find awesomeness on here and within yourself. Whether you're a parent, a child, or someone who doesn't want to identify with either title, welcome. Thanks for being here. Anything else you'd like to see here?

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St. Partick's Day gratitude

I don't usually associate St. Patrick's Day with gratitude, but rather, I think of the pinching, leprechauns, and everything in green. This morning I woke up at 2:30 am so I could stage the house to look like those meddling leprechauns came and messed with us again. I've done it since my oldest was born, 13 years ago. I really want to stop doing it, but I have enough mother guilt to keep the tradition alive so that my youngest has some of the same fun holiday memories as the older kids. (And might I add, it was worth it, because this morning he came down to my room SO EXCITED that there was a messy table full of green and that those jerk leprechauns even got to the milk.)

After I finished messing up my own house (sanity check needed, I am aware), I went to bed, unable to sleep. I scanned through some of the Instagram accounts and was fairly surprised that at 3 am there were a lot of people just following @kidsaretheworst. I started to look at those people who were adding the account to their follow list and it was mostly people from the Ukraine. UKRAINE! I glanced at their accounts and saw that they were mothers, cookie shop owners, artisnal marshmallow makers, and a couple of pole dancers. It kinda hit me right in the heart that these beautiful people are connected to me, here on the other side of the world. How else would I have ever seen these people who also have kids, dreams, and a wicked sense of humor? The world is so massive, but at that moment, in the wee wee hours of the morning, I felt this camaraderie with parents I will never meet and a community that is so diverse.

As for those pesky leprechauns, I hope they grow tired of us in the next few years. My gratitude for them is waning.

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hyperbole

Oh man, I just got a paper cut. Paper cuts are THE WORST!

My computer froze again. And I didn't save my work. Computers are THE WORST!

I told the guy at Sonic to go "easy on the ice" and the cup is full of ice--that is THE WORST!

My kid pooped all over his crib and then threw it onto the floor. KIDS ARE THE WORST!

Thanks for understanding hyperbole with me as we begin this chapter of online Kids Are the Worst. You guys are THE BEST!

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