Am I Mother Gothel?

Spoiler Alert: In the movie Tangled, Rapunzel's "mother" is actually not her real mother. She is a witch. I am so sorry to have told you anything that you didn't already know. Mother Gothel is a sarcastic, needy witch who keeps Rapunzel locked up in her tower, safe from all of the evil of the world (except from the evil of her "mother").

Ahem.

Every single time that movie has been played at our home (which I would say is more than a dozen, but less than a thousand), I have laughed at Mother Gothel. She is so funny and oddly likable. But horrible, of course. And yet understandable, in some ways. But evil, too. Super manipulative and controlling... but did I mention she is funny?

See here:

When she pulled that line while looking in the mirror, I legit laughed out loud. I know that's the point. But her song about "Mother Knows Best" is also pretty much my theme song. "Sure, go ahead and don't listen to me, but don't be surprised when YOU are wrong and I am right!" haha. ha. ha?

My favorite line of Mother Gothel's, which I feel I must have said to my kids before is, "I'm just teasing; you're adorable; I love you, darling."

I am a sarcastic mother (don't gasp. you've read my captions!). I have been known to tease my kids when they are being dramatic. And when my teasing goes too far, I quickly add, "I'm just kidding; I love you; you're my favorite!" 

I do not, on the other hand, brush my children's hair. So there is that part which makes me less like Mother Gothel. I don't brush their hair for power nor for less tangles. I mean, I've done it on occasion, but with three boys and a teenage daughter, there's not a lot of hair brushing sessions happening at our house. I also don't lock them in their rooms nor do I make them stay inside... always. I'm pretty much the opposite of a helicopter parent, even when it negatively affects my kids. Oh well, right?

While I know I am not a witch (don't tell my kids), I find it interesting that even without taking an online quiz, I can ascertain that the Disney character I am most like IS a witch. A sarcastic, all-knowing, mildly protective, fast-talking witch. And I am mostly okay with that. Halloween costume, perhaps.

How about you? This isn't a quiz, I am so sorry (no I am not), but which movie or story character are you most like as a parent?

Anna

 

7 Reasons to Stop Reading What You Should Stop Wearing

You know what drives me nuts?

Cowboy butts.

Kidding. (maybe)

What drives me crazy are articles that tell us, the dear readers, what we should stop wearing NOW or we will be in jeopardy of being (gasp!) unfashionable. 

"Stop wearing rompers. Unless you are a child."
"Stop wearing cargo shorts. Unless you are fishing."
"Stop wearing golf shirts. Unless you are golfing."
"Stop wearing swimsuits. Unless you are swimming."
"No more low-waisted pants. We don't want to see you pulling them up every time you sit down."
"No more high-waisted pants. We don't want to see that much denim."
"No more no-waisted pants."
"No more pants!"

You know what we should do with these articles and list (besides stop reading them)? Write better lists that tell you why you should ignore said lists. I am sure that you have reasons why we should stop reading these lists. Write them in a list and post them. DO IT. (I'm bossy, yo)

Here are my 7 Reasons Why You Should Stop Reading What You Should Stop Wearing

1. You are a grown up.

You have access to a computer or smart phone and enough education to read such an article. Don't let some intern somewhere tell you what's acceptable for you to put on your own body.

2. You don't need to spend your money.

Fast fashion is a huge global problem, and these articles and lists are fueled by a new fashion society that comes out with new "must haves" every single week of the year. Don't spend your money on things you don't love. 

3. You know what looks best on you.

I wear tight knit skirts and tees 75% of the time. Because I have learned that those look best on my body. I can't wear a lot of high-neck options, I don't look good in low-waisted jeans, I hate most shorts, flowy skirts hate me. I know this because I have tried them ON MY BODY and I don't care if someone says that tight knit skirts are over. They aren't over for me. And when they are, I'll make that decision.

4.  Fashion cycles.

I had FOUR pairs of Doc Martens in high school (well, now you know how old I am--90s forever!) and they were amazing. But once I went to college, I decided that Doc Martens were out of fashion and I (deep breaths) gave them to the thrift store. Now I am not saying that I would have worn them for the last twenty years or that we should hold onto everything, but I am saying that I WISH I HAD THEM NOW. Vintage Docs, are you kidding me? 

5. Comfort trumps fashion.

I am being dramatic, of course, but if I read ONE more article or Facebook post that says you shouldn't wear leggings, I am going to take my comfy legging-engulfed legs and kick those bad boys all over this city. High kick, high kick. Tight pants, anyone?

6. You're a decent, understanding human being.

Well, most of the time. You wear Uggs? Cool, so does my mom. I don't. WHO CARES? My mom owns (no lie) about twenty pairs of Uggs. She even wears them to church when it snows so she doesn't slip in the parking lot. When a new pair of Uggs comes out, she giddily tries them on in every color. She loves Uggs. All I can think of is the loud noise that those boots (and their copycats) make. But it doesn't bother me that my mom loves them. So, get over the fashion choices you don't like and pray that most people are as kind towards your fashion choices as you are to theirs. 

7. We don't need more noise.

Ok, the irony does not escape me that I am writing more noise. But this fashion list nonsense comes out every season, every month, week, day, hour, whatever. Right after you saved up enough money to buy that peplum dress to wear to your Homecoming dance, you can read an article that says "Stop wearing peplum!" And those of you who don't even know what peplum is are wondering if you are also behind the fashion curve. Probably. Oh well. Block out this noise.

You can make your own fashion choices. You don't need someone's list. I believe in you! Go forward and do your fashion thang.

Anna

Five crazy kid alarm clocks

We start school in two weeks. Over the summer some of the kids shifted into different bedrooms and how we managed school mornings last year isn't going to work this year. While we were discussing our new wake-up routines, I told the kids about the alarm clock that I had as a kid. It was a rooster playing the guitar and it sang the most annoying song over and over again until you pushed on its head. And like any millennial parent, I thought I'd see if it was on youtube to show my kids. Ten seconds later we were watching the terror of my childhood mornings:

Can you feel the emotion?

My brother had the alarm clock with a gorilla playing the drums. And my mom had a clock where a wino clown whistled at the top of the hour. That one freaked out my friends during high school movie nights. 

Apparently I don't own enough whacky clocks as an adult. But watching all of these clocks from my childhood caused my children to want a crazy alarm clock for their school mornings this year. We did a little internet searching and here are some of the whackiest and most amazing alarm clocks we found right now:

wakinbacon.png

A dancing, rapping bacon alarm clock. What is not to love? (LINK)

gun alarm clock.png

This gun alarm clock has my little boys the most excited. You have to shoot the target to get the alarm to stop, which sounds fun to them and painful to me. (LINK)

If your kids like cars and racing, imagine how revved they would be to wake up every morning to "start your engines" and the intense sounds of race cars. I might have a heart attack, but if you've got a deep sleeper, this could be your/their answer. (LINK)

Star projection at night and eight different sound options to wake your child. I love this one, but my boys aren't buying it. I love ceiling projections. (LINK)

A cuckoo alarm clock perfect for kids. It's vintage and current and I want one for my room. (LINK)

A new alarm clock might be just what we need to get everyone up on the first day of school. And every day of school thereafter. Let's hope so, at least.

Do your kids wake up with an alarm clock or do you wake them up?

"Fun" for the whole family

One of my favorite quotes from Jerry Seinfeld is:

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

If you've ever been to a kiddie theme park, a "family fun" center, or any of its ilk, you know this to be true. Sure, there may be moments that everyone is having a decently fun time, but it is rarely at the same time as  the whole family. 

Did you ever realize how hard family vacations were for your parents before becoming a parent? Did your dad's stress level at Pizza Pete's Pizza Palace make you wonder why he couldn't relax at such a fun venue? And then you go to Pizza Pete's as a parent and want to pull one hair out of your head for every second that you had to endure the place? No? Just me?

We are smack-dab in the middle of our family reunion season. It's always a conundrum to figure out ways to keep everyone entertained, from the great grandmas to the little babies (well, the mothers holding the new babies). The older generations want to sit around and chat, looking at old family albums and reminiscing about people they knew "back in the day" while the younger generations' eyes slowly glaze over. 

So you head to Pinterest for fun ideas for "the whole family" and now you're even more stressed and overwhelmed with all of the possibilities and items needed. I feel your pain.

Here. Right here is a list for you. For your family. For your reunion. For your large parties. Here it is!

1. Lip Sync Battles

Oh geez. I know. But I am telling you, even the biggest dud in the family will get in the spirit of this activity. People that are timid at first always seem to be the funniest lip sync-ers. I have been part of battles that were planned and those that were spontaneous, and both were equally enjoyable. The choreography of the planned battles sometimes bordered on professional while the last-second battles had some of the most hilariously random music choices. Either way, you need music (speaker system, especially) and a prop to serve as a microphone. That's kinda it. Maybe something to record the hilarity for future reunions.

2. Game Rounds

I've converted many self-professed "non game players" into large group game players. And while I love a good board game as much as the next person, the games listed here are basic and only a few are not played with everyday playing cards. The whole idea of game rounds is to get people moving and playing with more than one group or age. You can choose to write out the games on a large card to keep at each station that explains the rules OR put one person in charge of each station to keep the flow steady. If someone wins one to three rounds of a game, they have to move onto the next station. This usually gives those that have been "losing" a bit of an advantage, knowing the rules and getting the hang of it over a few rounds.

A. Egyptian Ratscrew
Oh, how I love this game. It takes some practice and those that seldom win call it "luck" but once you master the DOUBLES slap, you will dominate this game. There is a link in the title to playing the game, but my basic explanation is this:
FACE CARDS have value. Ace=4, King=3, Queen=2, Jack=1
Any doubles can be slapped. Ace plus Ace, three plus three, ANY double
All of the cards in a (52-card) deck are dealt out evenly among players (add extra decks for larger groups--one deck is usually good for up to five players)
Players do not look at their cards, hold them face down in a pile in hands. Person to the left of the dealer flips over their top card into central pile area in the middle of all the players. (ALL PLAYERS must flip cards away from themselves to show the card to other players before self.) Play continues clockwise.
Once face card is flipped, the next person has to play a face card. They have as many chances as the face card valued (Ace=4, King=3, Queen=2, Jack=1). The last person to play a successful face card gets the entire pile of cards. When taken, piles are always added to player's deck underneath, face-down. The winner of the pile begins the next round of play.
IF a double is played at any time, the FIRST PERSON to slap the top card gets the entire pile. They then begin the next round.
Those who run out of cards can slap it at any time to get a pile and return to play.
Winner gets all of the cards! 

B. CHEAT
We actually call this game "BS" which is short for Bologna Sandwiches, Beef Stew, Big Stinker, Bean Soup, you know. Because we play with kids. ;) This game can also have multiple decks added to play. For a full explanation, see link above.

C. PRESIDENT
This game also has a lot of names. We call it a mix of President and Scum. Loser is always Scum, even thought we love them. Full explanation in link.

D. Bananagrams
Obviously this game requires you buying the actual game, but for less than $15, you will get your money's worth. It doesn't require a ton of explaining, and it is always very telling to see what words people come up with. I have been embarrassed many times with the low-brow words that come to my mind. Link to Amazon above. 

E. Mexican Train
This might not be as easy to transition in and out of, but I have never met a group that didn't enjoy playing Mexican Train. You can find it for $14 and spend up to $75 for what I hope is partly gold. There are also a lot of different versions, so just pick one and stick to it for the evening. Dominoes for every generation. Link to amazon above.

3. Group Riddles

Everyone sits in a circle for group riddles. Or a circle-ish. This plays more like a game than a riddle, but they are also much more fun. WARNING: SPOILERS!! 

A. My Aunt Emma
The person who begins this riddle stands, dances and animatedly recites:

My Aunt Emma
She died last night
That's the way you say it
That's the way you play it
And now I'm a member. (bows)

The trick is in one particular prompt. Some of these riddles include something like clearing the throat at the beginning or crossing the arms at the end. That is all that is necessary to become a member. The person can botch the entire riddle and dance, but as long as they do the main prompt, they become a member.

B. Running With Scissors
Person in the middle of the circle says, "I am running with a pair of scissors. I drop them. Are they open or closed?" as they point to one person who must answer. If they guess correctly, they wait a few turns to make sure they understand the riddle and then they play the person in the middle. (OPEN=legs uncrossed, CLOSED=legs crossed)

C. Bang Bang Bang
Person shoots multiple people in the circle (figuratively, of course) "Bang, bang, bang, bang" and then says, "Who did I kill?" People guess and then try shooting if they think they've solved the riddle (First person to say anything after shooter asks "Who did I kill?" is the one who is dead.)

D. Polar Bears Around an Ice Hole
I swore I would never reveal the way to this riddle. See HERE for a refresher or to figure it out. Use six die, once someone figures out the riddle, the tester gives three more tests and if successful shouts, "Are there any Polar Bears here?" and all those who have taken the oath roar. Then the oath must be taken. Goes a little like this: "I, state your name, promise to never reveal the secret to Polar Bears Around an Ice Hole or may polar bears come to visit me in my sleep and gauge out my eyeballs."

E. In My World
Someone begins by saying, "In my world there are XXXXX but no XXXXX" and others add on to it.
For example, "In my world there are bunnies but no mice." (+) "In my world there is root beer but no lemonade." (+) "In my world there are bees but no flies." (+) "In my world there is water but no ice." (X this one does not pass). Do you get it? Your world can include anything with double letters. 

F. Big Blue Moon
The riddler says, "Um, ok, Big Blue Moon (noun 1) (noun 2) (noun 3)." Any noun works. The guesser must try to repeat the statement correctly. The biggest key is that they must say "Um, ok" at the beginning.

4. Taste Testing

This activity can be done blindfolded, with score cards, or just one at a time for fun. Keep a garbage bag handy just in case, but these should be foods people actually eat. They may surprise you.

Examples:

  1. Chocolate pudding with Flaming Hot Cheetos (like spicy chocolate, maybe)
  2. Sliced pickles with peanut butter
  3. Grapes dipped in ranch dressing
  4. Cheek-Its and Nutella
  5. Banana and mayonnaise sandwiches
  6. Koolickles (pickles soaked in Kool-Aid)
  7. Anything listed on this amazing page of foods to make WITH FLAMING HOT CHEETOS

5. Kickball

Who doesn't like kickball? Everyone I know either loves playing, loves cheering, or loves watching a good game of family kickball. Maybe this is one family reunion that will actually be fun for the whole family!

You learn and you learn

I was at a youth camp last week, helping young women "learn and grow" (and yes, I intended those quotation marks every little bit). There was one day that the girls got in groups of 10-15 and walked around different ropes courses with themes and team building exercises. I was put in charge of one where eight girls had to stand inside a small roped-off area that was a "sinking ship." Somehow they had to figure out how to grab a rope suspended from two trees six feet away to get them off the ship and over shark-infested waters to a tiny marked-off "island." 

If they fell off the rope or dragged in any way, the sharks won and they would "die"... but then go back to the end of the line. In other words, just like real life. I would have four groups of girls come to my little ropes course where I would give them the rules, watch them work through it, and then guide them through discussions about what it all meant and represented.

My first group came through and it consisted mostly of the girls I knew (including my own daughter). Since it was my first group, I STUCK to the rules, I strictly left them to figure it all out, I might have even had my arms crossed while watching them struggle. I thought that was my role, I thought it was how they would learn. Then an old leader who has watched this activity hundreds of times came over and gave them big helps. 

I felt like a moron for not doing it sooner. Three out of fifteen girls got across and the discussion was lame. 

They left to their next course activity and I got my new group, where I felt much more prepared. Everyone got a shot at crossing the shark-infested waters, but some girls were unsuccessful and I let them give up super easily. I figured they at least got to try. They slunk over to the logs and sat while everyone else finished and the discussion was moderately better.

The third group of girls came and I had great passive suggestions that helped them all get across, save for a couple who tried a few times but didn't want to keep going. I get it, I thought to myself. I have strong legs, but my upper body struggles in carrying all of my weight. I didn't want them to feel self conscious, because I know that I would. The discussion was more spirited than the previous two, but still a bit stifled.

Do you see where this is going yet? 

The last group came and I was ready for it. I had all of the wonderful suggestions that I had learned from the previous groups. I had much better insight and was more aware of the girls' moods and skills. They fed off my energy and killed the whole activity that they ALL got to the island (even those with less upper-arm strength than THIS GAL), had a really inspiring conversation, and they all tried crossing again. 

It was a completely different experience than the first group. I kept thinking about the differences and what I could have done better. But, in the end I realized that I had to learn how to lead the group just as much as the groups of girls had to learn how to successfully complete the course.

Is it any surprise that with FOUR kids of my own that I kept thinking about how my four groups are like my parenting? With my first, I had it all figured out. She wouldn't ever be messy, she would always be super polite, eat all her dinner, have a bedtime, get straight As, and overall prove that I am a great leader/parent. Arms folded and everything, I would make sure she learned.

Second child, I am a little more relaxed, but still probably too hard and assuming. Third child gets a lot of love and leeway (probably too much leeway). I've learned how to accept who he is and his strengths. My last child is spirited, understood, and so far successful in all he does. He even gets chances to do more than the others ever did, because we have both learned a lot more quickly how to get through the challenges. 

It's the same song and dance I hear my parents and older siblings talk about. No matter how hard you try, the first child gets the arms-folded parent determined to prove that THEY are good parents. The baby of the family is confident because maybe his nose wasn't on the wall as often. I don't know. Sometimes I think my youngest needs his nose on the wall more often. And perhaps our generation of parenting (and the one just beginning) is so afraid of being "mean" parents that we are raising over-indulgent, over-privileged humans. How do we have fourth-group ropes-course experiences with our first kids without the brattiness? 

It's so tricky, trying to learn how to raise good humans. Who knew that our PARENTS were also LEARNING to lead while being all parent-y on us? What do you do? Any tricks for the rest of us needing a seasoned older leader who has seen this course hundred of times before?

a

 

KATW "Behind the Photo" Sunny D and Bird

There are some photos that make everyone smile and laugh. Alisha Greyson's daughter gave us two such photos. Luckily, Alisha is a photographer and ready to take those pictures of her daughter's craziest moments. I loved hearing her responses to these basic pictures, and I hope you do, too.

What happened to your daughter’s finger in this popular shot flipping the bird?

First of all, Savannah was in a swimsuit and it was poring rain outside. I told her multiple times that we could not go swimming, but she figured that if she kept her swimsuit on long enough she would win. It was already a "fun" morning. Then Savannah asked me for a band aid, because she wanted one. I had recently bought "Despicable Me" bandages but she really thought of them as stickers. I told her that band aids were only for ouchies but she insisted and then showed me her fake ouchie... on her middle finger. She actually kept switching between her middle fingers on both hands; she's not the best liar! The attitude in the picture came from being annoyed that I wasn't giving her a bandage right away and because I pulled out the phone to take a picture again. I'm afraid I may see that same look multiple times in her teenage years.

Tell us about the SunnyD picture.

I did not buy her Sunny D. Yhat was all her dad, so for Savvy that was a treat. Also, she is a very independent girl and feels proud when she is able to do something on her own. I was in the other room changing her baby brother's diaper. I could hear her doing something and pushing a stool around in the kitchen. A minute later when I went back into the kitchen, I found that beautiful bright mess and she just looked up at me and smiled. She said, "I spilled a little mom. But don't worry, I'm cleaning it up!" and she went back to licking it up off the counter. I was literally speechless. My counters were orange for 3 days! 

Tell us a little about your family.

I love my little family! I moved to Utah 7 years ago and I met my husband, Mike, the second day that I lived here. We dated for 2 years and were married in 2010. We had our first child, our daughter Savannah, a year later and she is now 3. When she was just a newborn I worried that the nickname "Savvy" wouldn't fit her, but it couldn't be more fitting. She likes to go by "Savvy G" but some of my family members like to just call her "Savage." They say she gets dirtier quicker than any other kid. She is the most animated and dramatic little girl you will ever meet! Then we had our son Preston who is now 18 months. He is a sweetheart who never stops eating. He is a big flirt and will call anyone mommy if it will help him get what he wants. He is now Savvy's best little buddy and follows her around everywhere and into all kinds of messes. He spends most of his time trying to play basketball like his daddy! My husband Mike works for Marriott and someday we will take advantage of his perks and we can actually travel! I am a wedding, lifestyle and family photographer and I like to sew in the very little free time we have.

What is your favorite thing to do with your kids?

I love to take my kids hiking and exploring! We try to go up into the mountains as much as possible and have picnics and pick wildflowers. We also like to binge watch Netflix together while staying in our pajamas all day long! 

What is one thing you wish you would have known before becoming a parent?

I wish I would have known how messy kids really are; not so I could have prepared, because there really is no way to prepare. I just wish I would have known so I would never have thought things like, "When I have kids they will never have a messy face!" "They will never wear their pajamas to the grocery store" "I would never let them eat something that fell on the floor!" 

What is one thing you would like all new parents to know?

Somebody once told me that whenever my kids make a crazy mess or do something they should not do, instead of getting upset right away I should take a picture instead. They said this will help me to keep calm and not be so upset, and will also allow me to laugh about some of the things they do. Kids are going to make messes and do crazy things they shouldn't. That's inevitable. We might as well laugh and enjoy it, that's one of the reasons I love KidsAreTheWorst so much!!

Thanks so much, Alisha. We all think that we won't let our kids play with our cellphones or have messy faces... until we have them and throw all of our pre-child ideas out the window.

Check out more of Alisha and her work on:
https://www.facebook.com/AlishaGregsonPhotography
http://alishagregsonphotography.com


Summer POINTS

I don't know about you, but I am getting a bit anxious for the upcoming summer break. Kids are home, days are long, and the television and personal devices are getting ready for their big season of usage. When I am "easygoing" during the summer, the kids watch and play on too many screens, eat too much junk food, and then inevitably they get cranky and fight. It's a freakin' broken record.

We have done summer fun calendars where each day we choose something fun to do together as a family after their chores are done. It works for the first few days, even a couple of weeks. But then... everyone gets tired and there's a campout or a short trip and we get off track. 

I have finally decided to take a page out of my mom's old playbook. I kinda swore I would never do it, but here I am, finally ready to do THE POINT SYSTEM. Even writing it makes me cringe a bit. Ha! But, I am determined to make it work for our family, because it was a great way to learn how to budget time, responsibility and "earn" your allowance.

What is THE POINT SYSTEM? (Sorry, but it is so legendary in our family that it feels imperative to be in all caps.) Simply, chores and work are given values (points) and you record your points when you've completed the assigned chores. OK, that didn't read so simply, so let me show you this summer's POINT SYSTEM chart for my 13yo daughter:

pointsystem.png

I then added up the amount of points that are the WEEKLY GOAL (not 100%, every job every day). For example, I don't expect my daughter to do a math sheet seven days a week during the summer, but the goal is for five days a week. Brushing her teeth, however, the goal is that she does it twice every day (shocker!). If she meets or exceeds the goal number, she gets the full amount (which we have decided is $20). And then you can see how it breaks down after that. 

Letting them "earn" their money will help in so many ways, I hope. No longer will I feel guilty when they go to the Shiver Shack to get a snow cone with some friends and I don't have a few spare dollars. If they want to go, they can use the money they earn(ed). Plus, they will have earned enough money to buy me a great birthday gift at the end of the summer. BooYAH!

I'll let you know how it goes this summer. I'm super hopeful. And I've done a lot of the work already making the POINT SYSTEM charts for each kid (my 5yo's list is a bit easier and less $ earning potential).

Wanna try it in your home? I've made a blank template that you can print out and fill out for your kid(s). If you do, let me know how it goes. Let's POINT SYSTEM all over this summer.

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Right click and save the photo to print! TaDah!

It's like I always say, "Stick with what your Momma taught ya!" Sorry I doubted you, Mom. 

Best of luck this summer, parents! WE CAN DO THIS!

anna

15 Reasons Kids are the Worst

Originally posted on babycenter.com in April, 2015
written by Anna Macfarlane, kidsaretheworst.NET

15 Reasons Kids are the Worst

If you have children, you know that your love for them runs crazy deep; so deep that you could dig a tunnel to the other side of the planet and you still wouldn’t have dug as deep as your love.

Sometimes, though, those same kids can drive you to the point of madness where you want to scream, “Kids are the worst!” at the top of your lungs. But, you’re not alone and that is why you need the Instagram account @KidsAreTheWorst. You don’t need to shout or scream or even cry. These 15 kids below have done things so hilariously rotten that we all can laugh together and then look at our own children and say, “Eh, you’re not so bad today. We can do this!”

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #1

They want to take that bath…. as soon as you get them dressed in their Sunday best.

 

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #2

They use their imaginative play to make mountains out of the laundry you just cleaned, folded, and put away.

 

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #3

Nothing impresses them. Not even what was once your favorite day of the entire school year.

 

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #4

HDTV is too realistic for them, so they put a filter on it.

 

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #5

Sometimes they take personal style matters into their own hands. (Anyone else think this girl was hoping to be like Rapunzel and see her hair turn brown?)

 

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #6

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They are either professional tasters or professional wasters. Jury is still out.

 

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #7

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They amaze you with their uncanny ability to make a mess in seconds. Holy Sheets!

 

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #8

You never get to sleep in anymore. And your alarm clock stinks.

 

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #9

They booby trap your bathroom and find reasons not to brush their teeth. All in one gesture.


Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #10

Their skin is softer than yours. Also, where did all of your petroleum jelly go?


Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #11

They throw fits in the worst possible aisle of the store. Don’t they realize that anyone in this section is already a bit upset? Maybe they sense it.


Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #12

kidsaretheworst4@virginiasaraluna.jpg

They remind you of that woman you used to work with that was always anxious about deadlines. Oh yeah, and they make messes of your best lipstick!

 

Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #13

kidsaretheworst5@emmmhontz.jpg

There is no secret hiding spot for you. They will always find you.


Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #14

Gifts are always interesting from your kids. Often honest and sometimes sweet, some kids are lucky that they aren’t old enough to spell yet, or you might get a little offended.


Why Kids Are the Worst, Reason #15

They need lots of bandages for their pretend owies. Seriously, they can’t even.

 

Dear Children,

Laughing with you is so much more fun than crying. Someday you will understand when your kids throw the same tantrums, make similar messes and unintentionally offend that stranger in the grocery store, too, and we will be their grandparents that know how to laugh at it all. Hopefully you will laugh at your kids, too. Because, kids are the worst. Once in a while.

Love,
Your Parents

 

A note to our kids

I've mentioned before that I have four kids, who are all brilliant and funny and good. Of course sometimes they are super stinkers, because they are kids... because they are HUMANS. The first few months after I created the @kidsaretheworst accounts, my kids seemed fairly offended when I mentioned it.

"You think we are the worst?" they would ask. 

And I would respond with, "Of course. Once in a while. But you're also the best a lot of the time, so I wouldn't sweat it." Sometimes I would even explain how hyperbole works and they seemed to be temporarily placated. 

Now they laugh at all of the pictures and the whole idea of KATW. Chalk it up to maturity, time, or boredom, they don't even really care anymore that I refer to their peers as "the worst" on a daily. My 5yo will look at some of my papers or work and say, "Oh is this for 'kids are the worst'?" Sometimes he looks through my pictures and tells me exactly WHO should be on the account. It's really kind of funny. He has become unfazed. Which is true to most of my antics, really. My kids think all mothers sing and dance ridiculously in the middle of Trader Joe's when Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" comes on. I mean, "I wanna feel the heat with somebody" are some majorly under-appreciated lyrics.

I digress. Like always. What I wanted to post is a little letter to those kids who might be struggling with the idea of an account called "KIDS are the WORST" that their parents follow, submit to and laugh with.

Dear Children,

Laughing with you is so much more fun than crying. Someday you will understand when your kids throw the same tantrums, make similar messes, and unintentionally offend that stranger in the grocery store, too. We will be their grandparents who will continue to laugh at the maniacal situation that is parenthood and at them. Hopefully, you will laugh at your kids, too. Because, kids are the worst. Once in a while.

Love,

Your Parents

KATW "Behind the Photo" Peanut

Some photos on KidsAreTheWorst tickle our funny bones more than others. There are some photos that I am sent that make me laugh immediately and I know that I have to post and share them right away. What is the story behind these photos? Who are these kids and who are their parents? I asked Amy Holmes (@amyedenholmes) to be my first KATW Behind the Photo interview because this photo has been one of my favorites and has become a bit of a viral sensation since it was posted.

amyholmes4.jpg

Tell us a little about the Instagram photo. Where did you find the peanut costume?

I originally purchased the peanut costume (from Amazon) for my daughter’s first Halloween in 2009.  It has been a staple in our “make believe box” ever since, along with my son’s sexy fireman and skeevy cop get-ups.  

My daughter (5 years old in the picture) has always marched to the beat of her own drum (don’t most kids, though?). And for the past few years, she’s been adamant about choosing her own clothes.  A game-changing moment for us (and by “us,” I mean me) was when she exclaimed, “God made YOU to be fancy, He didn’t make ME to be fancy mom!” (I was asking her to wear a sundress to a nice family dinner. You would’ve thought by her flare for the dramatic, I was dressing her up for one of those shameful Toddler & Tiaras pageants.) I realized in the moment that, A. I didn’t have the energy to be the fashion police, and more importantly, B. kids' hearts are so fragile. I just want her to have a happy childhood; and if that means she walks around in a peanut costume, then so be it.  

And the sign on her back, .I just thought it was funny.  It was more of a “shout-out” to all the other moms at Target.

Tell us a little about your family.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have three kids, ages 6, 3, and 11 months. I drive a mini-van. I homeschool my kids. We are entirely boring. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What is your favorite thing to do with your kids?

I love snuggling on the couch and watching TV, mostly because they're quiet and I get to rest for a minute.  My kids talk incessantly, and it’s fun (except for all those new Pokemon sounds my daughter is making.  Those are annoying.).  I’m constantly documenting our conversations in my Notes app because I’m terrified that I’m going to forget all the funny things they say. I love the quiet moments. It gives me time to soak in life. 

What is one thing you wish you would have known before becoming a parent?

I wish I had known that the miracle of childbirth was going to leave me unable to jump rope without wetting myself. I would’ve done more kegel exercises. For sure. Also, baby boys and boners.  I wasn’t expecting that.  

What is one thing you would like all new parents to know?

You’re not cool anymore. Being a parent is inherently uncool. Accept it and move on. While those beautiful new Tory Burch boots and that Suburban may be earning you some high style-points, everyone knows that you’re scraping baby poop out of your nails and sucking like the dickens on that ingenious little NoseFrida Snotsucker just like all the other parents. So go ahead and buy your kids the tacky character bedding and stop worrying about what people think of you.

***

Thanks so much Amy. Keep up on those kegels, Moms and Moms-to-be. And, while I never had a NoseFrida Snotsucker, I do know a bit about being uncool. 

Is there a picture on KidsAreTheWorst that you would like to know more about? Which is your favorite? Have you let your kids wear something in public that you wish you would have accompanied with a "Don't Judge My Mom. I Dress Myself" sign?

a

DubSmash

Do you DubSmash? It is so annoying and so awesome and so dumb and so fun. I know it is one of those apps that is going to get boring and exhausting all too soon, but for now, we are having so much fun with DubSmash.

Like this one I did with my son:

Oh and then introducing my kids to Friends is great when you have DubSmash, like this one:

 

Currently my kids' favorite movie is School of Rock, so it was only fitting that my daughter and I did this DubSmash:

 

Adventure Time? We do. This one makes me laugh a lot, because my son's face gets SO red by the end. Just like LemonGrab:

 

Even the kids who aren't very good at memorizing little snippets and hamming it up for the phone camera love to see themselves lip syncing:

 

Hours and hours of fun with DubSmash. But a little word of caution for parents: There are a lot of inappropriate sounds and recordings with profanities. In each and every category and every search I have made, I have heard some profane recordings. I tried to make it a bit safer and cleaner for my kids by creating a folder in the tab on the top of the DubSmash homepage titled "My Sounds" which I named "good clean dubfun"! I search for the recordings and when I find one I think my kids will like, I push on the circle next to the star (see photo below) and a pop-up Action asks if I want to "Add to Soundboard" (yes) and then select the folder created. This way the kids don't go searching through the garbage and accidentally hear things that I prefer they don't.

 

Get it? Yeah, you do. Hashtag #KATWDubSmash so we can all share our DubSmash videos on Instagram. Have a dub weekend!

a

 

**I was not compensated in any way to write this review. We just enjoy this app and hope you do, too.**

Maturing Moles

My 11yo son went to Maturation at school a month ago, so he's pretty fluent in all things mature and maturing and stuff. He is pretty confident that he knows all about preventing smelly armpits, what will happen as he grows, and even how babies are made. He's got it down. (please note the paragraph is dripping with sarcasm, ok? ok.)

So, imagine my surprise when yesterday while we were driving in the car, he asked what was up with the new mole on my face.

"Mom, when did you get that big mole? What is happening to it."

I was fairly confident that there was no new mole on my face. "What mole?"

He points to my chin, where a rather large pimple had been recently overly-expressed by Yours Truly. It was one of those pimples that really hurts to pop, and yet you keep going after it because it is so big and obnoxious.

So I had to explain that it was not a mole, but a pimple that I should have left alone (like he learned to do in Maturation) but did not.

His jaw dropped. "You can get pimples when you're an adult?" He was shocked. And obviously his Maturation world had been shaken for the first time.

"Yes, all the time. Especially when the seasons change or I change face cleansers or when my workouts change...."

"I'm sorry, but that is confusing. Adults can get pimples?"

Oh buddy. Yes. All over.

I can't wait until my maturation is over.

a

Your stories and pictures

Sometimes I get emails and messages that parents send with photos AND stories. And some photos tell an entire story all on their own. I could bombard Instagram with photos all day long, but that would be frustrating for all of us. Here are some of my favorite stories this week:

Looks like Harleigh is stuck in time out.

Looks like Harleigh is stuck in time out.

"My daughter Harleigh will do absolutely the opposite of everything shes told, this day she was told to sit and relax, she found the timeout stool and became creative, and no shes not stuck she always manages to get out:)." -Patricia Johnston

Thanks for the doll, Dad, but just let me play in this box some more!

Thanks for the doll, Dad, but just let me play in this box some more!

"In this picture I'm sitting in a box. As a child I really loved to play with boxes. My dad once bought a doll and I threw the doll in a corner and started to play with the box! This picture was taken around 1992 when I was about 5 years old!" -Angelique Vermeule, The Netherlands

I see you, but I am choosing to not respond. Currently I do not need a hand. But thanks.

I see you, but I am choosing to not respond. Currently I do not need a hand. But thanks.

"All I want is a little privacy!" -Maricela Jimenez

Sometimes I feel the need to explain to people that the title of this website, instagram, and all Kids Are The Worst things is playing off our society's need to exaggerate moments. I want to explain to all of the Negative Nancy Naysayers that you can laugh with us or don't worry about it. But then I read this quote:

“Don’t waste your energy trying to change opinions.
Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”
— Tina Fey

Well, then. We can't convince other parents and non-parents to laugh and understand hyperbole, so we gotta stop trying. You get it. I get it. Let's have fun.

 

a